One Step Closer
by rebecca85
Summary: Touya becomes painfully aware of what life would be without one Shindou Hikaru and has to make drastic decisions. However, his resolve is tested with the loss of a rival and he contemplates between Go and love. Decision isn't as easy as you'd think...
1. step: The world without you

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Hikaru no Go or the song One Step Closer by… damn. I can't remember whose song it is. Still not owning, though.

**Warnings**: This fic will contain spoilers till episode 63 in anime and chapter 124 in manga (volume 15) and _beyond_. If you have not seen/read that far, stop reading or you _will_ get spoiled! Also, this fic is loyally slash/shounen-ai/yaoi/boys love/malexmale/what-ever-you-like-to-call-it meaning boys liking other boys. You have been warned.

* * *

**One Step Closer**

Step one: The world without you  
_by rebecca85_

* * *

Shindou had appeared in front of me. It was Shindou that had come to me. Suppressing the little voice saying that I had been the one accepting the game, I blamed it on him. He had been at fault. If only he had played someone else. Played somewhere else. Had never shown me the enigma called Shindou Hikaru, had never entered the Go world, had never turned my head from my clear path. Then I wouldn't feel this shatterness inside of me. It is almost as if something broke inside of me that day. But as hard as I might, I can't mend it.

The long day is finally over and I set my walk again to a, now familiar, path towards the west quarters of the city. There is no need to take a train, my destination isn't that far. Besides, he would've liked to walk there from the Nihon Ki-in. Shindou was always eager for fresh air. And frankly, now that I walk after a long, tiring game towards the white building, I welcome the fresh air and the small exercise to my almost sleeping legs. Seiza can do that to you, sometimes. No wonder Hikaru doesn't use it that much, I chuckle to myself. At least... he didn't.

My games haven't been going that great.

Even though I won the third preliminaries against Hagiwara 9-dan in the Honinbou match, it was a close call. Only the thought of Shindou, chasing after me to the path I will make, kept me playing with fierce resolution. I will make a path that is worth walking. Because I'm sure he'll come. He has to.

I believe my father and Ogata-san are the only ones that have noticed my sudden lack of strength in the game and I think they understand. From others around me I only get praise for my splendid play. That's why they are not worth thinking of, the amateurs. Shindou would've noticed.

I have no idea how long I'll be able to keep going with this farce. I'd never thought that something else but Go could invade my mind this completely but now I've came to the shocking realization that Go hasn't been my superior motive in playing for two years now. Instead of playing the game for the sole purpose of playing, I have been playing in order to gain strength to win. To win Shindou, to be precise. If he had not come to me on that fateful day, nothing (or no-one) would've made me go and learn more about Go, confident in my skills as I was. Then again, if he hadn't come to me on that day...

It has now been three weeks from the day when I chased after him from the library to the streets.

I still think it was my fault. And I don't actually hear anyone claiming otherwise. I had been the one to upset him. I had been the one to chase him. I had been the one to make him run away. It was the first time I actually thought that chasing him hadn't been such a good idea. Maybe if I had refrained myself from such childish actions, that would have never happened. From the beginning, we should've never even met.

Reasoning and calculating with logic brings me to the same conclusion every time: If only I hadn't met him. And yet, my heart seems to wrench slightly as I think about my resolution, as if someone clasps a hand over it and squeezes it gently until I'm sure it will burst under the pressure. Despite the clench, I feel the pain welcomed. After all, it had been my fault. In the end, I can't blame him, even if he isn't here to object. I had to keep myself truthful to me, to him. It had been my fault.

Musing ending; I have reached my destination.

I walk through the glass doors and straight to the lifts and push the call-button. There is no need for me to go to the front desk: I know the number of his room by heart and I could probably sleepwalk the way without getting lost. After all, I had become a regular visitor in the last three weeks. The nurses are already familiar with me and hardly no-one tries to stop me anymore or question the reasons of my presence. I find this slightly discouraging; had it really been that long already? The lift comes with a soft 'ping'. I step inside and push the button for the fifth floor.

I feel a sigh forming, but won't let myself do the privilege. I am in no position to sigh.

By this time I go the whole thing, that _incident_, over again in my head, to justify my presence, my visitations. It had been my fault. I can remember it like it was yesterday: I had been furious over the games he forfeited and my missed opportunity at Wakajishisen, at which he hadn't shown up. I was forced to chase _him_ again, even though I felt like it was still his turn. I wasn't even sure there _were_ turns, but it seemed to me that if such things existed, I was positive it was _his_ turn. But he had given up for some reason, so it was up to _me_ again to pursue _him_. The lazy bum.

Arriving at his school, I was told that he was in the library. I didn't let his odd choice of place puzzle me: I was determined to get to the bottom of things. I followed the instructions given to me and found him there, slumped at the table, as if sleeping. I carefully took the seat next to him and he immediately rose to regard me. As he realized that it in fact was _me_, he startled and blamed me for surely giving him a heart-attack someday. That did little to waver my determination. I was on a _mission _and that mission involved him in the crucial part.

Things went from there hardly as I expected. Hell, I hadn't been expecting much, I hadn't been even sure whether I would actually find him, but things really went differently than anything I was prepared for. As I demanded his antics regarding the Ooteai matches and Wakajishisen, he first answered with nothing. He looked at me with those incredible green eyes as if contemplating something and I saw sadness in them, so deep and profound that it scared me. Shindou always gives such an air of goofiness and rudeness regarding others that this immense sorrow that shadowed his eyes in that moment froze me to the bone with fear. I chose to remain quiet and wait for his answer. Which was more horrifying than I had ever thought to hear. Though, when he just turned and airily informed that he was no good, I didn't see the danger coming. I hadn't understood. Baffled, I repeated what he had said and asked what that meant.

"It's a waste of time to play someone like me, that's what I mean!" he yelled, and few students studying in the library told us to be quiet. I was shocked at what he had said and voiced my opinion to him vehemently but quietly. He was my _rival_ for Christ sake! It was never a waste of time to play _my_ rival. Though, I didn't say it with so many words. He looked at me with a surprised face and said my (last)name with such tenderness that I melted. I was kind of surprised even myself that I felt this strongly and wasn't quite sure my anger was really justified.

Until he kindly informed me that he wasn't going to play anymore.

I was so enraged at his words that I completely forgot where we were and yelled at his statement against his face with disbelief and then proceeded to use harsh words that somehow only he seemed to know existed in my vocabulary. A large amount of people kindly reminded us that we were too damn loud again. As I look back at that moment, I feel grave regret for yelling at him like that. If only I had kept my temper... If only. But Shindou has the ability to wreck my cool exterior and fill me with emotions that I didn't even know existed.

His deep sea-green eyes filled with a silent plea for understanding. It looked like he would break down any time on me and I could see unshed tears glistening in his eyes. With one final glance, he was gone, bolting through the doors and out to the yard. After a moment of shock, I gathered myself quickly and swiftly followed him. I remember thinking that this couldn't be happening. For some unknown reason I was losing my one and only rival, and that scared the hell out of me. In desperation I asked him, wasn't it I that he played for? Wasn't he chasing me? And that was where my hell began. Literally.

He was blinded by sorrow, it seems, and as he ran, he crossed the street without looking and therefore failed to notice the car coming around the corned. For my defence, I didn't see it coming either. I would've shouted to him to look out for it, if I had. Though that holds very little difference now. Instead, I did see the collision. By the laws of continuation of movement, the car hit him straight on the right calf and, slightly rotating from the impact, Hikaru flew to the hood of the car on his back, his head and left shoulder colliding with the car, breaking the front glass in the process and just as I thought that the time had stopped mercifully to let it be a dream, anything, the car finally came to a halt and he slid painfully slowly from the hood to the hard ground like a huddled heap of flesh. The door opened as I sped towards him and a man came out in a hurry to see what had happened. He didn't go near Hikaru and I was thankful for that. He went to get his phone as I finally reached my rival and flew next to him to see if he was okay. I didn't know what to do. A puddle of blood formed slowly under his head and his right leg was in a weird angle. I vaguely remembered that you are not supposed to move the victim, so I only bent down over him placing my hand gently on his torso to feel a fait heartbeat and reaching to touch his cheek with a gentle stroke. I didn't even realize that I had called him by his name over and over again, like a mantra, hoping it would wake him, until a medical attendant pried me off to help him and I realized that all I could do was to say his name.

If you ask me what has been the worst moment of my fifteen years of life, I'll give you the exact date and time.

Things after that were like a blur. I'm still not sure what happened then. Somehow I found myself in a hospital waiting-room with a cup of warm tea in my hands and a blanket draped over my shoulders. I explained to the officer one last time what had happened and then my parents were there. I still have no idea who called them, why someone called them, why had they come, why didn't they tell me anything about Shindou and why didn't they let me spend the night waiting for news. Only after we had arrived home and mother was making some hot chocolate and father looked me squarely in the eye and asked quietly what kind of a rival would I be to Shindou if I didn't take care of myself, that I finally started to gradually get over the shock: He was right. I had to keep going. Otherwise there wouldn't be anything for him to reach, when he was back in health. He would out right laugh at me for being such a worrywart and gleefully point out that since I hadn't been practicing he would pass me in no time at all, thank you very much.

I could almost hear him say those things.

So I accepted the offered warm drink from my mother, the comforting pat from my father, and went to sleep. And dreamed of Hikaru. After the first day the routine was something like this: I slept, only to dream of the accident. I ate, only to think of ramen. I went to school, only to wonder about his Go club and school. Attended my games only to think how he would play, were he my opponent. Actually, I don't think my days were that different, only somehow more intense. And then I finally went to my father's Go salon, only to wonder if he would ever visit me here like he did the first time we met.

I had been so determined to move on for him, that I had forgotten the reason.

So my habit changed, slightly; Instead of going to the Go salon after my games, I headed straight to the hospital. Hikaru's mother was there, sitting beside him, until it became painfully clear that Hikaru wasn't waking up during the critical forty-eight hours. She went back to work after Hikaru had been transferred to his current room, and I would occasionally meet her when my own schedule allowed me to come sooner. She had to be practical, like I was. We never talked, but I knew that she was always grateful that I came. Because she would always leave then. She went home to prepare supper as I watched over her son until the end of visiting hours.

We were left to wait.

At those ungodly hours I spent beside his bed, I came to realize that I didn't want to be separated from him. During the two years we had known each other I had always thought that if I just kept playing, he would be there to chase me. As a silent vow, I promised to myself that I wouldn't let him go when he came back. Because he _would _came back. How would I know? Because he was Hikaru. My rival.

_Ping_. I reach the fifth floor.

I turn left and walk halfway down the corridor. To my left there is his single-room, but unlike normally my hand stops at the handle as I see a sign on the door.

_No visitors_.

My heart leaves a beat. And imagining the worst possible situation, I ignore the sign, push the door open quickly and practically rush into the room. The window has been left open and there is a figure sitting on the bed, watching out of the window and enjoying the small breeze. Due to my barging in, it turns to me and I can only hold my breath as I recognize the familiar blue-green depths looking quizzically at me.

"Shindou?" I ask quietly. If this is a dream, _do not wake me up._

"Yes?" he asks puzzled. I finally find my lungs working again. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath. But still I can't bring myself to approach his bed, even though I have an urge to just embrace him in a tight hug and never let go. My education firmly fights against it. Besides, I'm almost positive that if I made such as move, this sweet illusion would shatter and dissolve, leaving only a comatose Hikaru behind.

"How do you feel? Are you all right?" I ask politely as I realize that we are staring at each others; that is all I can do. Plus, I really, really want to know. (If you ask me what the sign said on the door, I'd have to say that I honestly don't have a clue.) I finally let myself a tiny flicker of hope that _maybe_ this isn't a dream.

"I'm fine, thank you," he smiles gently the most beautiful smile at me and as my heart struggles to keep a rhythm, I vaguely wonder why he's so polite with me. Well, the polite part is what I'm amazed at. He's _never_ polite. To _anyone_.

"Oh," I say intelligently and stare him. It's been so long since I've felt this at peace. Then I realize that I could try to articulate some _more_. "Good." Okay, now he knows I'm happy. Let's tell him why, shall we?

"I was worried," I say stupidly. But under his presence, after all that has happened, that is all I can say. My mouth has officially left for vacation. He smiles so brightly at me that I can almost see the room lighten up. My internal organs are having a blast at my expense, since my heart picked that exact moment to skip a beat and my lungs refused to let me breathe. He has never smiled at me like that. It is a dazzling sight.

"It seems to be an epidemic," he chuckles with that winning smile of his. (Repeat of organs-in-alliance messing with me; now my stomach is flipping slightly too.) "Ever since I woke up, loads of people have been coming to see how I am. Doctors got really pis-- nervous. Hence the no visitors."

I blink at the correction. He has never before corrected himself in my presence. Oh, don't worry. I soon found out exactly why he was so polite with me. I have up until then felt like the king of the world. He had woken up, hadn't he? Who _wouldn't_ be happy? He was speaking to me with such ease, my skin prickled in excitement. And with such a smile, there was no way anything could be wrong, right? I was sadly mistaken.

Hikaru tilted his head slightly to one side and seemed thoughtful. "Of all the people that have been here, you look really familiar. Have we met before?"

I blinked at him, not understanding at first.

Then my world came crashing down.

* * *

Wakajishisen – Young Lions Tournament

seiza – the traditional Japanese sitting position, which causes your legs to sleep

Ooteai – the games to move up ranks by gaining dans


	2. step: And then there were only rivals

Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru No Go. This story is based on characters and situations owned by Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi and then some. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warnings (read these!)**: This fic will contain **spoilers** till episode 63 in anime and chapter 124 in manga (volume 15) and _beyond_. **If you have not seen/read that far, stop reading or you **_**will**_** get spoiled!** Also, this fic is loyally slash/shounen-ai/yaoi/boys love/malexmale/what-ever-you-like-to-call-it meaning **boys liking other boys**. You have been warned.

Authoress' Notes: Please note in the story that when Touya alternates between calling his rival 'Shindou' and 'Hikaru' in his thoughts, **it is intentional**.

* * *

**One Step Closer**

Step two: And then there were only rivals  
_by rebecca85_

* * *

Patchi.

I placed another stone on to the board and reached for the second one in the goke.

Patchi.

I was slowly, but firmly recreating one of Kamimaezu Hiroshi nana-dan's games. The upcoming preliminary match with the man was crucial for me to get to fight for the Tengen title.

Patchi.

All pro's would agree that it was a good decision to explore a little of the man's game habits. To know a little of how aggressive of a player he was and where his strength lay; at the choban with certain jouseki, chuuban or yose? Or in an entirely different place?

Patchi.

My hand stopped over the goke and only one thought ran through my head: I wanted to play.

Yes, I was in a Go _salon_. Yes, I was currently recreating a game, if you could call that playing. Yes, there was practically a line waiting for _Touya-sensei_ to teach. And yes, I had just finished with another ooteai-game two hours ago, but I wanted to play, and I wanted to play _him_.

Touya hadn't visited the hospital for two days now and hadn't seen Shindou in three. There was no point; he had been released from the hospital soon after waking up. And Touya was referring to going to the hospital as well as going to see Shindou; there just was no point.

He had learned of Shindou's amnesia fairly quickly as a nurse had come by and made Touya leave, utterly displeased with him for ignoring the sign on the door. Once outside, the young Go-pro had prevented the oncoming lecture starring the youths of today by asking what was going on. The nurse was shocked that he hadn't been informed, but before she had had time to explain Shindou's condition, Mrs. Shindou appeared in the hallway with a doctor, whom she was in a deep discussion with. Her face had been more alive than Touya had seen in three weeks, as if worry and sleepless nights were already long forgotten. She had been surprised to see Touya there.

Touya soon learned that Shindou had woken up a few hours ago and that everyone had been informed immediately. This information hadn't reached him though; he had been in the damn Ouza match.

There had been a flood of people coming to welcome Hikaru in to the world of the living; baffling him to no end as most (the majority) of them had been his acquaintances from the Go world. In fear that the overload of unfamiliar people claiming to be his close friends would damage his already fragile mind, the doctors had chased everyone out. They had left a message for Touya at the Go salon and his home, telling that there was no need to come by today.

Touya didn't own a mobile phone and he had come straight to the hospital; the messages had never reached him.

The nature of the amnesia was the problem at hand and Touya frowned at the goban when remembering what the doctor and Mrs. Shindou had told him.

Shindou Hikaru had forgotten everything about _Go_. Nothing more, nothing less. It had become obvious to the doctors in a quite early state, as they questioned the patient's mental health i.e. asked stupid questions; who are you, how old are you, do you know what happened etc. As for his profession, Shindou had answered "student". This had raised some questioning eyebrows, and the rest was history of today.

Touya frowned (deeper) as he remembered the look on Mrs. Shindou as they talked outside the ward. She had looked relieved and happy, not really worrying about the amnesia. The only time her brow had furrowed slightly in concern was when she told that Hikaru had _completely_ forgotten _anything_ related to Go. Including that his grandfather played. Shindou Hikaru didn't even know what Go was.

The san-dan fingered absentmindedly the black stones in the goke, slowly squeezing his hands into fists as the events repeated in his head, all over again.

'_So what now?_' he thought glumly. '_What happens now? In one day, I have lost a rival, a reason (a thrill) and... a friend. I lost Shindou. He doesn't even know who I am!_' Anger started to boil somewhere deep in Touya and he lowered his head to shield his face with his hair so that no-one would get frightened by his expression, and he grabbed the fabric of his uniform trousers to ease his desire to lash out.

"Oh! Shindou-kun!" he suddenly heard Ichikawa-san exclaim merrily. "Long time no see! (I can take that bag for you... No? Well, okay.) Are you here to play a game?"

"Eh? Ah... No," was the slightly apprehensive reply. "Is Touya-san here? Touya Akira-san? I was told that he..."

"Ah, yes! I believe he's in the back, recreating some games." A moment of silence followed. "Ah! Right! You go through there and you should see him... Ah! Akira-kun! Shindou-kun here was just looking for you. Why don't you take him to the back and I'll fetch you two some tea, 'k?"

Touya tuned out the rest of whatever Ichikawa might have said and stared at the unsure sight of the person who had invaded his thoughts not two seconds ago. The boy looked just about the same as he had the times they had met - blond bangs framing a handsome, yet slightly childish face, wearing the usual yellow sweater and blue jeans over his lean form - but now Touya was sad to know that the usually challenging sea-coloured eyes now held no excitement, just a friendly warmth and some uncertainty in their depths.

Shindou scratched the back of his head and averted his eyes from Touya's intense stare. He really didn't know what to do in the silence that had fallen between them.

"Soo..." Shindou started, trying to think of something to say. "Does she always talk that much?" he settled for saying and glanced at Touya to see the other boy's reaction.

For a fleeting moment the dark-haired teen had hoped that he had woken up. That someone had finally taken the time and prodded him awake. But now the sweet hope was sliding away as he remembered that Hikaru didn't know who Ichikawa-san was, didn't know Go, didn't know him. Someone was closing a fist over his heart again.

Swallowing his disappointment Touya averted his eyes from the puzzled ones. "Yes. She has always been like that." Well, he was expected to answer. Then his gaze stopped at the crutch Shindou was using to ease the weight from his right leg.

"AH!" Shindou exclaimed as he noticed the look. "I'm okay, I'm okay! This thing is just with me for a week until they take off the cast." He waved the cane and tried to smile reassuringly. Then he happened to lean on the healing leg and winced.

Trust Shindou to mess with his own healing, Touya almost smiled at the thought. Almost.

"This way," Touya half turned to the direction of his table. "Let's go sit down before you get yourself back in to the hospital." Then he walked to the table and sat down, expecting the other to do the same. Which Shindou did, with some hesitation. The way he placed his knapsack beside the table and drew the chair to sit in, reminded Touya of their first game ever. Shindou definitely had the air of a person who wasn't entirely sure what he was doing and only mimicked others as far as he could get away with it.

Touya watched with a detached expression as the half-blond looked at the board with interest and skimmed through the shape of the stones. His brow furrowed as he tried to think some logical explanation for the game. Then he moved to take one of the gokes and looked at the stones, the other goke, then the goban again. And all that time Touya couldn't help but think that he wanted to be anywhere else but here, he wished that the other boy would just get up, apologize for the confusion and leave. Vanish. Something!

It just hurt too much!

Touya could almost hear as slowly but painfully tiny cracks began to spread through his heart as the once-pro continued to examine the game like he had never seen it before. 'At this point it may even be true,' Touya mused darkly. Then he cast his gaze to the board and started to clean the damn thing.

"Why are you here?" Touya asked, not meaning to sound so cold, but at the same time not wanting his voice to waver, so it was no wonder that Shindou looked decidedly uncomfortable and handed the stones back quickly.

"Look, if this is a bad time..." the former-rival started and reached for his bag. Touya's gaze immediately whipped up and pinned him to the chair. The dark-haired teen was sad to notice a slight panic in the others eyes. He sighed and resumed his cleaning.

"Just answer the question, Shindou."

After a moment's silence, Touya raised his eyes to see what was wrong. Shindou had his eyes squinted to almost slits, a hand on his chin and a pensive look that was directed to scrutinize him. Now that Touya had noticed it, Shindou seemed to be almost mockingly measuring him. Actually, now that he thought about it, he was _sure_ Shindou was mockingly measuring him.

"What?" Touya asked slightly defensive. Gah. He hated being defensive. It made him look like he was pouting. (Ogata-san had kindly informed him of this.) And he was not pouting. But, unfortunately, Ogata-san was not the only one to think this as Shindou's eyes lit with mischief and his lips curled into a small, amused smile.

"Oh, nothing, _Touya_. I was just thinking that we must've been close, since you don't use any suffixes or anything. I was informed that you are a highly sophisticated and polite young man, who is always respectful with others, regardless of the person. Well, I guess that was just talk." Shindou's smile was even more devious if possible. Touya knew that he was being teased but couldn't help a small blush coming on his pale cheeks.

"It's just you," Touya murmured embarrassed, not knowing why he was telling this, to Shindou the least.

"Huh?" Shindou was cutely clueless. _'Wait. Cute? Well... I suppose you could say that he's cute when he has no idea what's going on. Heh.'_

"You're the only one that I don't address with an honorific, _Shindou_," Touya answered with a clear voice, and then added teasingly, "You haven't earned that yet." At that the dual-colour-haired boy huffed, crossed his arms and looked pointedly away. Then he blinked, looked at his arms and then at Touya.

"Are we always like this?" he asked in an inquiring voice. This startled Touya. Then his expression went back to the normal blank-zone.

"No. We didn't meet that frequently. We aren't… friends." Touya couldn't look at Shindou as he said that. This all made them seem like complete strangers... and they were so much more. How was he ever going to explain the depth of their... relationship to the naïve boy?

"So I was told," Shindou said calmly. Touya blinked. Then looked at the boy on the other side of the table and blinked again. Then Ichikawa-san decided to make an appearance.

"Here you are, boys. I'm sorry but I couldn't find anything else except these cookies to go with your tea," she babbled happily as she laid the two mugs of green tea at the two boys' reach and a plate of cookies between them beside the goban.

"Would you like something else?" Ichikawa-san asked sweetly and batted her eyes at Touya. He didn't notice. Or at least chose not to.

"No, thank you. We're fine, Ichikawa-san. If we could get some privacy, I would appreciate it." Touya said calmly and politely.

"Of course, Akira-kun. I'll tell everyone who asks that you're too busy for shidougo at the moment, 'k? And always, if you decide to stay late, I'll be happy to give you a ride home, Akira-kun. Just say so, okay?"

"Thank you, Ichikawa-san," Touya said with a voice that clearly said that it was the end of the conversation. When the overly peppy woman had retreated behind the counter, Touya took his tea and sipped it. Perfect.

"So... Back to the first question: If you knew that we aren't friends then what are you doing here?" Touya asked the other. Shindou just tasted his tea and looked thoughtful.

"Well, that's the thing. I was totally surprised when Akari told me that we aren't friends and that I don't usually hang out with you. 'Coz... You remember what I said when you came to my room at the hospital, right?" At this, Touya nodded and as he took another sip of tea, absentmindedly thought that it was absolutely absurd that he was having a civil conversation with Shindou of all people. Usually at this point they were smirking, shouting, insulting, changing threats or walking away. Well, this gave him a slightly different point of view of the enigma known as Shindou Hikaru.

"Well, I told you the truth," the boy in his mind continued, shrugging. "Of all the people that visited me that day, you were the only one that somehow seemed familiar. Well, except Akari, sure, but she's my childhood friend and didn't have anything to do with that... that game everyone was talking about."

"Go," Touya inserted helpfully.

"Yeah, that. Go." Shindou took a sip. "Weird name," he added like an afterthought. Touya didn't have time to contemplate this as the other teen continued almost in the same breath.

"And then when I asked who you were... - I thought that you knew of the amnesia thingy - the look on your face was something I didn't like. It made me feel sad and upset, so I thought that we had been really good friends or something. That and the fact that you really seemed familiar, unlike all the others that claimed to be my friends but seemed like complete strangers. Akari, again, as the exception."

Touya mused over this as he helped himself to a cookie. (He didn't particularly like sweets but knew that Ichikawa-san was most likely going to have his head if he didn't eat some.) The dark-haired teen felt more at ease than all that evening. Shindou had thought that they were close friends. That thought made him want to smile. And then Shindou had said that he remembered him the best. This made his stomach flutter. Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea. Shindou visiting him, that is. Who knows? Now that they didn't have their rivalry between them, they could even become friends!

"But that still doesn't answer my question," Touya pointed out. Shindou looked embarrassed and squirmed in his chair.

"Umm... Yeah. Probably because I don't like to say the real reason..." Shindou confessed in his straightforward style. Touya raised one fine eyebrow.

"Oh, okay!" Shindou gave in. "I was worried about you. Happy now?" he asked accusingly and looked away, an embarrassed blush tinting his cheeks. Touya was speechless for a while.

"... Worried of me?"

"When I asked you who you were, you looked like you'd just had a fist to your stomach! And then, before I had time to ask what was wrong, that nurse came and you never came back! Yeah, I was worried." Shindou crossed his arms and looked pointedly elsewhere with a huff, his pose almost screaming 'Got a problem with that?!'

"Sure I was shocked... I lost my rival, after all..." Touya murmured, dazed of the dual-colour-haired boy's confession. Something flashed in Shindou's eyes at this, the boy looking startled for a minute, but then it was gone and Touya didn't have time to search for it. The ex-pro quickly smiled dazzlingly.

"So, you're fine now?" he inquired. This roused the dark-haired teen from his musing and he answered slightly apprehensively, "Y-yeah... I think so..." Shindou grinned at this.

"Then you can tell me how we met!" he exclaimed excitedly. Touya almost smiled. This was very 'Shindou'-like, if you could say that. And yet, it wasn't. It didn't do well to forget that this actually wasn't the Shindou he knew. Not anymore.

"Aah! Hikaru! There you are!"

Shindou stopped in his tracks and his facial expression froze at the voice. His smile faded slowly and a little bit of fear crossed his face. From the depths of his sea-green eyes surfaced a bit of panic, as if he was trying to make up an escape plan. All in all, Shindou looked a lot like he had been caught stealing with his hand still in the cookie jar.

"Akari! What are you doing here?" He was obviously feigning to be surprised as he smiled pleasantly at the girl, although seemed anything but happy. Akari wore an admittedly scary expression on her face and it seemed like she had come right after her school activities to search the boy. She was still clad in her uniform and was carrying her school-bag. Touya was secretly amused of Hikaru's panic but he watched their exchange with a detached expression.

"Don't give me that!" Akari almost yelled. "You were supposed to be home. On bed rest. By _doctor's orders_!"

"Okay, okay," Hikaru surrendered, raising his hands protectively between Akari and him. She stopped her ranting but glared at the bleached-blonde boy until he had collected his bag and was standing, leaning on his crutch.

"See you later, Touya! I, err…" he glanced at Akari and faltered. "I have to go! Ja, bye bye!" With that hasty good-bye, he was out of the parlour within seconds. Akari relaxed her pose and sighed. She then turned to Touya (who was pretty much ignored by her till now) and smiled a little, looking slightly apologetic. But for some reason, the Go-pro didn't believe her.

"I'm sorry, Touya-san, for interrupting the two of you like this," she apologized. "But Hikaru really shouldn't be here. He isn't fully recovered yet and has to rest."

"That's okay, Fujisaki-san. I understand," he replied with utmost courtesy.

"No, I don't think you do," Akari said quietly.

"What?" he asked, feeling stunned. Touya was supposed to say "pardon?" or "excuse me?" Really, he was. He was raised to handle any situation. That just slipped.

"Did you know that Hikaru didn't really believe he had amnesia?" Akari started lightly. Touya was startled at this new development, but only shook his head. "Until you came," she smiled at him but even a blind person could feel that it didn't have anything to do with humour, and certainly didn't reach her eyes. The dark-haired teen was speechless.

"It's been awhile since I saw him this happy," Akari confessed. Touya just became more and more lost. What was she saying? What was she trying to say?

"Do you know that if Hikaru remembers again, he might forget this time after the accident?" Touya only nodded numbly. He had read that, somewhere. "Well, we talked about it… and we came to the conclusion that we don't want that, I and the Shindou's. We like the Hikaru he is now and he's finally smiling. He actually laughed yesterday for the first time in a month. We don't know what was wrong with him but now he's okay."

Did she actually just say that it's _fine_ if Shindou never again plays Go?

"That's why, Touya-san," Akari interrupted his jumbled thoughts, looking straight into his eyes, dead-serious; "we would like it if you wouldn't interact with Hikaru anymore."

"Please, don't talk to Hikaru, ever again."

* * *

goban: a go board  
goke: the container of the go stones, the bowl

1-dan: shodan – Shindou Hikaru  
3-dan: san-dan – Touya Akira  
7-dan: nana-dan – Kamimaezu Hiroshi


	3. step: A visit to an unknown territory

Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru No Go. This story is based on characters and situations owned by Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi and then some. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

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* * *

  
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**One Step Closer**

Step three: A visit to an unknown territory  
_by rebecca85_

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Fujisaki-san's... 'request' was reasonable, Touya thought. After all, Mr. and Mrs. Shindou only wanted what they thought was best for their son. And, understandably, Fujisaki-san did too. Simply because they didn't know Hikaru like he did.

They didn't understand Go, what it was about, the soul of the game. They couldn't fathom how someone could dedicate their whole life to the right pattern of stones. They couldn't comprehend how devastating it was to lose horribly after so much effort. They didn't know the euphoria when you place that decisive stone that forces your opponent to bow their head. They couldn't possibly understand what joy it brought when you realize that your strength has grown and an opponent you previously couldn't even bring to yose has accepted a loss in the early state of chuuban. It was only understandable.

So, as a well-raised child, Touya had thought about Fujisaki-san's conveyed message from the Shindous, and after steeling his heart, he had seen nothing wrong with it. He was in no position to deny Hikaru's parents' request. He was no one to the boy. Not even the rival he had once been. Hikaru's amnesia had cut all ties between them, between the Go-world. Touya was now standing in the rising world of the pros alone, as Hikaru had left him there.

They had nothing in common now, Touya had thought stubbornly. He would honour the entreaty and leave Hikaru alone, he had decided. But then…

"Oi, Touya! What are you doing?" Hikaru yelled and ran to Touya's side. "You can't just space out in the middle of the street, you know. Com' on! They're selling some cool stuff in there!" In excitement, talking overly loudly to the go pro, Hikaru dragged him to a stand in a park that displayed various tricks and trinkets that seemed to be involved with African animal parts. The calm boy raised an eyebrow and wondered idly what Shindou was so enthusiastic about.

So, here he was, walking at Sugamo. They had apparently came to buy something for Shindou's grandparents from Jizou Douri, and then strolled to the park. He hadn't seen one new item on the other's possession. Was Shindou seriously even looking?

The park was quiet since there were heavy clouds hanging in the sky, threatening the population with something wet. Not exactly a place one would normally spend an outing.

Touya hadn't broken the silent promise he had made, technically. He _hadn't_ talked to Shindou after that day in the Go-salon and hadn't contacted him in any way. Even if it had been eating him from inside. But then, a week later, Shindou had called him and asked him to celebrate his cast removal. Just as he was about to refuse politely, he had had a realization.

There was a loop-hole.

No one had obviously told _Shindou_ that they weren't supposed to see each others, so it really wasn't _Touya's_ fault if the boy asked him out. And it really was quite rude to say 'no' to a recovering patient, right? That decision in mind, the Go-pro had gladly accepted their evening outing. There was only one 'but'.

Even if he actually had nothing to be secretive about, Touya didn't want to get caught.

"Shindou," he started.

"Hmm?" the boy replied, eyes still on the trinkets. Touya continued their walk down the park as he talked.

"You do know that you are not supposed to be here?" Hikaru's pensive gaze broke from the stand and he quickly caught up to the green-haired boy.

"What do you mean?" he asked curiously. For once, Touya had his full attention.

_Now, how to put this politely, so that I'm not suspected?_

"Well, your parents probably wouldn't want you running around the city with me just after you have been released from the hospital, as an amnesia-tic no less," he reasoned. Hikaru looked at him scrutinizing for a moment, then grinned and gave a peck to Touya's cheek.

"Then I won't tell them, Akira-_chan_!" Then he skipped ahead again, searching for a place to eat. Touya looked after him, rooted to the spot. Slowly his hand rose to tentatively touch his cheek, and then he felt his face grow warm. Had Hikaru just _kissed_ him? On the cheek, yeah, but_ still!_ What was the boy thinking?

"Akira? What's wrong? Are you spacing out again?" The young pro startled at the voice and found himself looking straight to Hikaru's wondering olive-green eyes.

"You're doing that a lot, Akira. Are you sure you don't have a—"

"Why did you kiss me?" was all he could ask, even though he had been sure that was the last thing he would say aloud. Hikaru blinked a few times in confusion, then glanced at Touya's hand on his cheek and back.

"I don't know," Hikaru shrugged nonchalantly and turned to walk away, hands behind his head.

"What?" Touya uttered, completely stunned. Hikaru turned around but didn't look him in the eye.

"I just got the feeling that we're like on a secret date or something, so I just thought –"

"Then don't think! It has never helped you before!" Touya said angrily and stomped by the dual-coloured boy.

"Hey!" Hikaru yelled indignantly. "What are you so mad about? It was only a peck on the cheek! Be glad that I didn't go all French on you," Hikaru grumbled as he followed the other through the streets.

Touya actually wasn't that mad at Hikaru for kissing him – not exactly. He just got _very_ irritated of his aloof behaviour. You don't just kiss anyone with 'no reason'! Was Hikaru perhaps kissing every other friend he had? Or worse, every other _acquaintance_ he came across? Damn him!

"Oi, Touya. Let's go this way," Hikaru said behind him. Touya stopped only to glance behind him and to regard the direction Hikaru was pointing before he huffed and picked up his pace again. He merely gave a glance to the temple he passed as he thought of his anger towards Hikaru. This was exactly what he had meant! No one, and really _no one,_ could rile him up so fast as Shindou the ex-pro could.

Well, okay. Maybe he over-reacted just a little. Perhaps, he could _consider_ talking to the boy again. Sighing in resignation, he knew he couldn't be angry at Shindou for long. He didn't know why, he just didn't want to. So he stopped and turned to – well, not to apologize, but to end the argument.

Hikaru was doubled over in front of the torii-gate, holding his head in agony.

Cursing his own inattentiveness, Touya rushed beside Hikaru.

"What's wrong? Shindou?" The dual-colour-haired boy shook his head and groaned in pain.

"My… head. It… _hurts_…" he managed to gasp out. The Go-pro took one of Hikaru's arms and using it to his advantage, helped him to stand.

"Come on, Shindou," he said gently. "Let's lie you down for a moment." He then helped the other boy to a nearby bench. When Hikaru was finally resting, Touya noticed that his face was slick with cold sweat and his breathing was erratic. Quickly feeling his forehead he found no trace of fever, and a superficial look-up told Touya that no wounds were on his body, and the leg seemed fine.

"How are you feeling?" Touya asked gently. Hikaru looked at him tiredly and managed to crack a smile.

"You look like a worried girlfriend, you know that?" Hikaru chuckled. Overlooking the graveness of the situation, Touya allowed himself a smile. Trust Hikaru to joke even in a state like this.

"Shut up," Touya replied humorously but hurried to support Hikaru as he decided to sit up slowly.

"I feel fine," the ex-pro answered to the previous question. "A little woozy but otherwise ok." Touya nodded understandingly and helped the eager patient stand. Once on his two feet, Hikaru swayed slightly and stumbled on to Touya. The Go-pro held him securely in his arms as the dual-colour-haired boy waited for the dizzy spell to pass. He shook his head a little to dispel the vertigo but only had to grab on to Touya's shirt more firmly.

"It's okay," the green-haired boy said softly. "You can lean on me."

Hikaru looked quizzically at his supporter. It was such a sweet voice, he wondered if it really was Touya talking to him, the same guy that had just ten minutes ago blown his top. His fuzzy mind only registered odd details, like how bright Touya's eyes were or how adorable he looked, gently blushing like that.

"Would you like to come to my house? To wait for it to pass?" Touya asked, speaking in that gentle voice of his. Hikaru only nodded, he didn't trust his voice to convey his thoughts. Besides, it had taken him a small forever to convince his mother to let him get out; he wasn't going home even a little short of being completely collected. It was better to rest somewhere else.

Touya pried one hand clutching the front of his sweater and wrapped it around his neck again, to support most of Hikaru's weight. It wasn't much, he noted. _Well, three weeks in a hospital can do that to you_, he mused.

"Just lean on me, Shindou. I don't live that far."

* * *

By the time they got to Touya's house, Hikaru could walk on his own. But despite his seeming recovery, the green-haired pro insisted that they would go inside to drink some tea and rest for a while. Hikaru was quickly convinced as Touya revealed to own a PS2. Even though it had been purchased by the sole reason of playing Go, he had other games for it as well; the ones that had come free in the bargain. They also agreed that Hikaru would clean up a little, as his small episode had made him sweaty all over.

"Make yourself at home," Touya said before he headed for the bathroom to draw a bath for Hikaru. He also checked that the washing machine was empty so they could quickly wash Shindou's clothes. But as Touya was just closing the bathtub's tab, he heard a scream from the living room area. Dashing through the house, the Go-pro made record-time at reaching the other end of the house.

Touya Kouyo was standing at the hallway, stricken. The son soon figured out why, as he realized that Hikaru was kneeling on the floor, holding his head again, and screaming, "It was you! It was your fault!"

Akira didn't have time to think too much of it. He actually managed to only glance quizzically at his father before he heard Shindou starting to sob helplessly. As he knelt down to help the boy, he heard his heartbreaking plea.

"Please… It wasn't my fault…" Slightly shocked at the voice so broken with sadness, Akira didn't know what to say at first. Then he placed his hands firmly on Shindou's shoulders and decided to try to calm him down.

"Shindou," Akira called softly to the boy. "Shindou, look at me," he ordered gently and slightly shook the shaking ex-pro kneeling on the ground to get his attention. Shindou stopped his crying abruptly and slowly looked at the green-haired boy.

"T-Touya?" he asked uncertainly. The other nodded affirmative. Now was time for some answers, as the boy seemed to have calmed down a bit.

"Shindou," he tried again as Hikaru's attention seemed to wander. The dual-hair-coloured boy looked at him again, confusion evident in his features.

"Shindou, what isn't your fault that my father is guilty of?" Akira asked gently but firmly.

"What?" Hikaru asked.

"You said that my father is at fault for something, then that you are not. Or at least you hope you aren't," he added, guessing.

"Touya... I have no idea what you are talking about," Hikaru said, totally confused. Akira was momentarily stunned but let it pass. It would do no good to press Shindou now. It would probably only serve to confuse all of them even more.

"Sorry, my mistake," he dismissed quickly. "The bath's ready if you still want to go."

"Yeah," Hikaru said and stood up, still seeming to be a little dazed. As he turned to the direction Akira had came from, he stopped dead. Smiling uncertainly, he rubbed the back of his head.

"I have no idea where it is," he confessed.

"Ah, right!" Akira said embarrassed. "You haven't been here before, have you? Here, follow me. I'll show you to my room and you can borrow some of my clothes while yours are in the washer," he said as he led the way. He gave a last questioning glance to his father but didn't stay to linger.

Shindou was supposed to have forgotten everything about go. How on earth had he recognized Touya Kouyo?

* * *

Akira slid the door closed behind himself. Shindou was now taking his bath, armed with a towel and some clothes from Akira. They had agreed that Shindou would put his own clothes in the washer and start it once he was stripped, so Akira had quickly retreated from the bathroom area.

"Akira," his father greeted from his place at the goban. The boy raised his eyes to survey the room.

"Father," he nodded. Then he walked to the board and sat down, facing the ex-Meijin. Idly, he picked a stone.

"I didn't know you were home," the green-haired boy started with a move. Touya Kouyo followed.

"Last minute cancel," the man explained. "Akiko went out with some friends, so we decided to stay with the schedule."

_So mother's still worried_, Akira thought idly. "You'll be leaving for China tomorrow?"

"As planned," his father confirmed. A silence ensued. They continued to play their friendly battle, but as Akira didn't have his mind on the game it was quite one-sided. Even without thinking too much, Touya Meijin was winning, but instead of showing his son what happened when you space out too much, he continued to lay the stones with not-so-much thought behind them.

"Father." Akira's hand had stopped in the goke, and now he wanted his father's attention off of the game for a while. Kouyo abided and regarded his son, waiting for him to speak.

"Shindou has amnesia," he said. The ex-Meijin's eyes widened slightly to show his surprise. "They didn't say anything about it in the paper since they're still hoping for his return," Akira continued.

"But you knew of this?" his father asked perceptively. Akira continued to look at the goban.

"I… knew," he finally said. "But… somehow I was hoping for the same. That's why I didn't tell you. I was trying to forget it myself," Akira admitted.

"But he's still here. How did you manage to become friends with him so soon?" Kouyo wondered.

"His amnesia is unique," the boy started, and then took a breath. "Shindou has forgotten Go, father," he told him, raising his eyes to look straight into the man's own. The elder Touya was stunned to silence for a while.

"You mean he has forgotten nothing but Go?" Kouyo asked then. Akira nodded.

"I am the only one he vaguely remembers being slightly familiar. He doesn't recognize any other Go-players," the green-haired boy told him. The ex-Meijin was pensive for a while, lifting a go stone and examining it at the same time.

"It'll be no use to ask him about Sai, father," Akira cleared, having a hunch of what had happened in the corridor. Kouyo raised his gaze to his son, but said nothing. The boy rose.

"Shindou's been in the bath for too long. I'll go see that he hasn't fallen asleep," Akira stated and headed for the door. As he slid it open, Touya Kouyo spoke again, with a grave voice.

"He might have forgotten about go, but do not you give up on him," he warned. "You have chased after him for so long – a little longer won't do you any harm. Do not give up on your only chance of being with him." Akira was slightly befuddled by the wording his father had used, but only nodded in understanding and slid the door back to its place.

He headed for the bathroom but once he arrived there, he noticed that it was empty and the fog had already cleared; Shindou had left already. The washer in the next room was humming away, and as Akira checked, had only ten minutes left. The program he had chosen for Shindou was a quick one. Then they would be another thirty minutes in the dryer and Shindou would be all set to go home.

His stomach made a flip. Maybe if he came back in twenty or thirty minutes and _then_ put the dryer running…

Akira deftly closed the door and headed for his own room. There, on his bed, was Shindou Hikaru, sound asleep.

Akira had to clear his head a little before he could approach the bed, for Shindou wasn't wearing a shirt. _What happened to the one I gave him?_ Touya wondered, and immediately spotted it lying next to the sleeping boy. Frowning, he silently stepped closer to the boy.

"Shindou?" he asked tentatively, torn between waking him and letting him sleep. He regarded Shindou for a while. He was sleeping on his back, face only slightly tilted to the side, the towel still around his neck. Without really thinking, Akira sat on the bed beside Shindou. He extended a hand to shake the boy awake, but instead only brushed the blond bangs away from the others face.

_Do not give up on your only chance of being with him._

What exactly had his father meant? Touya Kouyo was notorious for not having an actual rival, so maybe he was trying to make Akira realize this rare occurrence of having one? But then, why didn't his father _say_ anything about rivals? He had only mentioned Shindou, particularly. The wording pointed more to having friends. Was his father now concerned about his social life?

Akira looked at the sleeping figure. Hikaru's hair was still slightly damp, and he would probably catch a cold if he slept like this, a wet towel around his neck and with no shirt. Which led to Akira's second observation: Shindou had muscles. Fine toned muscles. They were clear even if not that well formed. But it was understandable. Shindou was a Go-player, not a body builder.

But where the hell do you get muscles if you play Go?! Okay, Akira wasn't that innocent either, he had a well toned body too, but only because he believed that a well kept body would better harbour an intelligent mind. Were all Go-players thinking like that? Plus sometimes, the exercise helped him to loosen up.

Absentmindedly, Akira traced a finger along Shindou's chest, trailing the boy's said muscles. Hikaru made an annoyed noise at the back of his throat and grabbed Akira's hand to stop him. The green-haired boy froze in fright. Shindou breathed contently and seemed to fall deeper into slumber again. Akira sighed in relief. Then, hand still stuck in Shindou's, he appraised the sleeping boy's face, which was again completely relaxed.

Shindou was very handsome, Akira had to admit. His face definitely held the distinct form of a bishounen – the Go-pro could tell easily. After all, he did notice immediately if a girl or a boy was beautiful or handsome, but rarely acted on it. He could see beauty but wasn't attracted to it. Shindou on the other hand, was different.

Shindou Hikaru attracted him in many ways… _Do not give up on your only chance of being with him._

Wait. His father couldn't have meant it that way? No, no, Akira dismissed, shaking his head. He was thinking too much again.

But then again… Shindou _was _very attractive… If only Akira could confirm that he wasn't attracted to the boy in _that_ way, it would make his doubt on his fathers words disappear – or grow more profound.

Shaking the last thought out of his head, he concentrated on Hikaru's lips. He could just give the boy a quick kiss, find out if he really was attracted to him and no-one would know. It would make his mind peaceful if he didn't have to question himself on the matter anymore. And it would make his fathers words more clear.

Akira _had_ chased Shindou more than anyone. And he had been determined not to let him go if he ever regained consciousness. Had that been his Go or his heart talking? One way to find out.

Akira bent over the sleeping boy, closed his eyes and pressed his lips against his.

His heart bloomed with excitement and joy. He was definitely attracted to Shindou. And his father had noticed it a long time ago, it seemed. Well, _great_.

Slightly breathless from his own daring, Akira broke the kiss and opened his eyes.

Clear olive-green ones stared right back at him.

* * *

Yose: end-game

Chuuban: middle-game

Bishounen: pretty-boy (bi – beautiful, shounen – boy)

Jizō-dōri (地蔵通り): a popular shopping street for the older generation.


	4. step: Decisive moves you can’t undo

Disclaimer: No money is being made with this piece of fiction and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. This applies also for the song One Step Closer by Linkin Park of which I stole the title. (I listened to the song and found out that I quite like it.)

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**One Step Closer**

Step four: Decisive moves you can't undo

_by rebecca85_

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Shindou stared right back at him, gaze unwavering. Akira probably would have bolted out of the room, but he was too scared to move. Besides, Shindou was still firmly holding his hand, so he wouldn't have gotten far.

"Shi-Shindou," Akira stammered out, hurrying to explain the situation, but before he could really start, the boy cut him off.

"I knew it," Shindou said, sounding nothing like surprised but more like stating a strict fact, Akira thought. Then the boy's face broke into a big smile which dazzled Akira.

"We're in love," the bleach-blond boy said happily. "That's why I remembered you, right? You should've just told me! It's confusing trying to guess your own feelings when you don't remember anything, you know?" Shindou just blabbered as Akira was trying to clear his thoughts.

_Shindou thinks we're ... huh?, _was the only coherent thought that entered his blurry mind and he felt a strange jolt in his chest. _And he said…_

"You … feelings?" Akira asked in the midst of Shindou Hikaru –talk, hoping he would be understood as the words seemed to have completely deserted him. The boy stopped his blabbering and smiled at Touya.

"Yeah… I really don't know what it was, but sorta like something was missing, you know? Like that time you came to my room or when we met at the salon, you looked kinda sad and I didn't like it. I didn't know what it was, but I guess this explains it!" he said jovially and gave a quick kiss to Akira as he was still bent over him.

Later, Akira blamed on the shock and surprise that the turn of events had caused him, and never admitted any other suggestion that his mind came up with. He also never told about his lack of composure and logical thinking. For Touya Akira did something he never had thought of doing, not in any scenarios he had played in his head, ever, in any circumstances in his life. Before, there had been no need. But now he did the first rational thing he could think of.

He lied.

By bending down to erase the little bit of distance between him and the dual-colour-haired boy to enjoy his first real kiss with the boy, he lied to Shindou Hikaru just as well as he lied to himself.

_It's not actually a lie_, Touya defended himself as his conscience decided to speak up. _I just didn't tell him if he's wrong or right. He made the assumption by himself_. And ignoring what his conscience had to say about their present kiss, he just let himself enjoy the warm feeling of Shindou's lips against his and the slow rubbing the boy's tongue was doing to his.

_I'm _definitely_ attracted._

Before his male hormones could start to make a real problem of the situation, Akira decided to stop. Reluctantly he ended the kiss and withdrew from his position. He looked at Shindou who was a tad bid breathless and blushing from their activity. Akira quickly placed a hand over his mouth and turned away.

"Shindou- no, Hi-Hikaru," Akira corrected himself to adjust their 'relationship', "could you put something on? I can't… You look… Please?" Unable to say his thoughts out loud he just settled for asking and blushing like mad.

"I can't," Shindou answered in his blunt way. "Your shirt doesn't fit, it's too tight from the shoulders," he explained just as Touya was sure this was just another plot to get him hot and bothered in his own home. Looking anywhere but Shindou, Touya tried to find something for the boy to wear.

"Let's see," he said quickly and moved to his closet, leaving Shindou watching him while leaning on one elbow. "I think I should have something bigger… if it's all right that it's nothing good…" he blabbered, still trying to get his mind off the bare chest that was occupying his bed. Damn, he didn't know a six-pack could be such a turn-on.

"Ah, here!" Akira said triumphantly, holding an old t-shirt of his which he used for sleeping wear in the summer. It was kind of embarrassing to give it to Shindou, but if he didn't… "Shi- Shindou!"

Touya had turned to give the cloth to his 'boyfriend' only to find Shindou right in front of him, cornering him to his closet door. Hikaru cupped his cheeks and leaned in to lock their lips. Akira held his breath in shock but soon melted to the boy's touch. Shirt forgotten, the piece of fabric fell to the floor as Touya raised his hands to Shindou's chest. Tentatively he ran his fingers over the boy's chest muscles and down to his six-pack. Hikaru gasped into their kiss and drew a step back. Breaking the kiss but not releasing Touya, he gazed deeply into the bright green eyes.

"Have we…?" he asked.

"No," Akira responded immediately, knowing what Hikaru was inquiring about. "We're too young, don't you think?" he said with a laugh. The dual-colour-haired boy gave him a serious – and somewhat calculating – look, and then withdrew from Akira.

"Then we better not continue or I'll come right here by just watching you." The young Touya blushed bright crimson, secondly at the praise Hikaru had just given, but firstly from the embarrassment of his straightforward way of saying it.

"Ah! I know!" Hikaru said suddenly, successfully breaking the rest of the mood. "I'll call mom and let her know that I'm spending the night here. Just wait a sec." With that, he was out the room before Touya could even open his mouth to protest. In horror he listened as Shindou yelled to Akiko (although she wasn't even at home) that he was going to use the phone and soon he was talking to his mother. Okay, it really wasn't Touya's fault that they were _together,_ together now, when they actually weren't, but _still_!

It was probably for the best that Akira had no time to react, because Hikaru returned to the room soon after, grinning like he usually did. Suddenly, Touya realized what Fujisaki had been talking about. It had been awhile since he had seen Hikaru look so bright.

"Okay, I can stay here. I told mom that my clothes got wet and that I would spend the night with a friend. She'll get over it," he waved carelessly. Touya let go the breath he had been holding. So Shindou really did think once in a while, huh?

Touya couldn't have dreamed of a better night spent with Shindou. They cuddled, snuggled and performed a lot of kissing. Oh, yes. _Lots_ of kissing. Even though he had only been introduced to the idea of liking Shindou more than as a friend, even more than as a rival, he adjusted to the change with little to no complaints. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle. He had thought that their friendship out of Go couldn't possibly work and had been right on the dot. But he had never thought to take it to the next level, snuggle in with the boy and draw circles on Hikaru's abdomen which soon sent the other into a fit of giggles. And when Shindou just talked and talked and, oh yes, talked, it was easy for Touya to relax and throw in a casual comment or two.

If only Hikaru would watch him with _those_ eyes again, then he wouldn't feel this slight ache in the corner of his heart…

"I'm going to the Go association tomorrow," Touya was saying at Shindou as they lay on the bed. "I have an Ooteai game again." The other boy furrowed his brow.

"That thing again," he murmured and his gaze fell to the big Go board that was nicely nestled in the corner of the room.

"Yeah." Touya tried to ignore the twinge in his heart at Shindou's words. "What about you? What are you doing tomorrow?" The other's gaze broke from the offending piece of wood and he blinked at Touya a few times.

"School," he answered like the green-haired boy had just asked a very stupid question.

"Eh?" Touya blinked back. "I thought you were just wrapping things up? Last year and such?"

"Um, yeah, but I have to prepare for the entrance exams. Aren't you going to a High School?"

"Of course I am! But… I thought you didn't want to go to a High School…?"

"Well, what else would I do? Don't get me wrong, I still hate school, but how else will I get a job? No one would hire a kid who's only gone to Junior High, right? That's just stupid. Of course I have to attend High School," Shindou huffed and Touya just stared. Yes, this was the only problem, still existing in their newly found relationship; Shindou had forgotten all about Go, and the prospect of living off of the game wasn't an option for him anymore. He wasn't even thinking about it.

So, was this really the Shindou that he wanted to date?

* * *

"Okay, see you in the afternoon then," Touya said as they were in front of the Japanese Go Association, but the boy spoken to didn't respond. Touya turned to his boyfriend, who was intently watching the building. "Shi- Hikaru?"

"Nee, Akira…" Hikaru started, while staring the association's nameplate. "You play lots of games here to raise a rank, don't you? In that Ooteai…"

"Yes…" Touya stared at Shindou, not believing what he had just said. '_I did not tell him what an Ooteai is. But he knew.'_

The thought had come to Touya before he had even realized it. It had taken root in his mind the moment Shindou had met his father, Touya Kouyo and remembered something. And now Shindou knew what an Ooteai was…

_Which Shindou do I want?_

This was a critical moment. They weren't deep into their relationship yet, so he could do it. And deep inside his heart, he already knew the answer. It was as obvious as the beginning move of a Go game. But before that, the green haired youth wanted the last bit of relationship he could have with these lies.

Touya turned to his boyfriend and took a hold of the nape of Hikaru's neck. Setting firmly his lips upon the others, Touya quickly led them into a tongue-war. The half-blond made a slight moan to their kiss and tightened his hold around the Go pro, crushing their bodies against each others. Touya tried to make the sweet moment as good as he possibly could, but as they rested their lips together at the end of the kiss, he could hear a sad voice saying in the back of his head,

_I'm sorry… Hikaru..._

Before Shindou opened his eyes, Touya had already put on an easy expression which, if Hikaru hadn't forgotten the fact, was not that common with him.

"Would you like to come see for yourself? The Japanese Go Association," Touya smiled at Shindou, who blinked at him, and then with a carefree expression, accepted the offer.

* * *

"So here on the first floor they sell souvenirs and have some old boards on display. And here—"

"Oh, fish!" Shindou suddenly exclaimed and moved to the fish tank to watch more closely. "What~? They're not real… How boring," he mumbled disappointedly, while lightly massaging his temple.

"You have a headache?" Touya asked casually.

"Yeah," Shindou frowned. "It's really bugging me… But, oh well. I'll survive. So what floor are you going to?"

"Oi! Sennen guy! Long time no see!" a voice interrupted Touya's answer. They turned out of curiosity to see who was shouting so loudly in such a quiet place. A man with reddish-brow hair and a big nose was waving at _them_, Akira noted quickly.

"Someone you know?" Hikaru asked. Touya only nodded, not taking his eyes off of Kadowaki. The man was obviously trying to get Shindou's attention, but… what was with the 'thousand-years guy'?

"Ah, Touya-san too, good morning," Kadowaki said casually and nodded a small bow to him. The green-haired Go pro bowed respectfully to his elder in return, but the man was already talking to Hikaru.

"So, Shindou, I heard you were in some kind of car accident. You okay now?"

"Err… Yeah, I guess…" Shindou answered uncertainly, glancing at Touya for help.

"You guess?" Kadowaki laughed and patted the golden-haired boy in the back so hard that Hikaru almost flew over. "You still say the weirdest things, sennen guy."

Touya was just as flabbergasted as Shindou was at Kadowaki's behaviour, but the green-haired pro was already thinking hard. Kadowaki seemed to at least know Hikaru, but not just as another Go player, but by personal experience, and quite odd at that. Otherwise he wouldn't be talking about some 'sennen guy'. But Hikaru showed no signs that he remembered the man or that he was of any great importance; his headache seemed still dull.

"Kadowaki-san," Touya interrupted the man. "This may be none of my business, but I was just wondering why you are calling Shin— Hikaru as 'sennen guy'?"

"Well, Touya, glad you asked! It was the weirdest thing, you know." Kadowaki explained joyously. "When I played him the first time – that was sometime before the pro exam – I lost terribly! And when I asked him for how long he had played, he answered 'Thousand years'!"

Hikaru collapsed to the ground, holding his head and trying to keep his groans of pain silent.

'_Something.'_

"Hikaru?! Hikaru, are you okay?" Touya asked worriedly, but couldn't help the jolt of excitement as he found another piece. A piece to a puzzle called Shindou Hikaru.

As Kadowaki watched in alarm, Touya quickly avoided the situation by excusing them and helping Shindou to the elevators. He guided the boy to the fifth floor and straight to the vending machines. There he sat him down at one of the sofas and plucked him a drink of cola from the automat.

"Thanks," Shindou said gratefully, pressing the cool can to his temple. "I don't know what's wrong with me. These headaches just keep coming all of a sudden."

"It's probably just an after effect of the accident. You did get quite a bump from it," Touya said reassuringly while rubbing Shindou's back. "I'm sure it's nothing."

"Yeah, you're probably right," the half-blond sighed and smiled slightly. "Thanks for—"

"Shindou!"

The pair raised their eyes to see Waya Yoshitaka walking towards them, Ochi Kousuke and Fukui Yuuta in tow. The Ooteai games were getting a spectator, it seemed.

"Waya-san…" Touya acknowledged, and then glanced at Hikaru. He seemed fine and interested of these people. But Touya was certain they would trigger something. They had been Hikaru's close friends, after all.

"Hikaru," Touya said gently as the trio reached them, and from Akira's point of view, they all seemed to be standing quite clueless on their ground. Even Hikaru turned to his boyfriend, looking cutely inquiring. The green-haired boy smiled softly at the rare display, but continued still.

"These are Waya –"

"Waya Yoshitaka," said boy interrupted, pointing a thumb at himself and ignoring the slight wrinkle of disapproval on the other pro's forehead. "And these are Fukui Yuuta—,"

"Everyone calls me Fuku," he waved in.

"— and Ochi Kousuke," he pointed to the other short boy who just nodded to Shindou. Ochi seemed decidedly out of place as he fidgeted slightly behind Waya and Fukui. Touya guessed that he really didn't know how to act in the group as he really hadn't been that much of a friend to Shindou, more like a rival, but of which Hikaru didn't remember a thing. Akira almost smirked to the four-eyed boy about their difference in status. Ochi would never be as important to Shindou as Touya Akira was.

"Nice to meet you. Again, I guess," Hikaru laughed sheepishly and glanced at Akira. It was probably hard being with people that you're supposed to know but remember nothing about. Slightly uncomfortable air settled around them.

"So, Touya," Waya started the conversation a little forcefully. "You're the only one that Shindou remembers, huh? Must make you feel even more special than you already do, hah hah!"

"What?" the green-haired pro breathed astounded. The others glanced unsurely at the redhead. Had he completely lost it?

"Well, you already are so stuck up about your superior Go skills, that this just punctuates your uniqueness, eh?"

"What the—" Hikaru started in, and turned to his boyfriend heatedly. "Why do you let him talk to you like this, Akira? Is he always this rude?" Touya could only open and close his mouth, but nothing came out. It was true that Waya was always rude to him, but never this directly. How was he going to tell it to Hikaru? _"Well, yes. He always makes snide comments about my Go, among other things. Perfectly normal."_ Not exactly his style.

"And you!" Hikaru turned to Waya, fire blazing in his eyes for the boy. The redhead was slightly taken aback at this; Shindou had never been seriously angry with him before.

"Just because your skills don't match Akira's, you have no right to put him down. If you would maybe study the game as hard as he does, you might reach him someday. Maybe you should put that envy of yours into respect and you might learn something from Akira. Because _you_ haven't played the game since you were three, or have— AH!" Hikaru suddenly grasped his head tightly as he groaned in pain. Akira was immediately there, rubbing his back and trying to make the boy's headache cease.

But he couldn't help thinking, _'There it was again. He shouldn't have known that, and yet he did. He's slowly remembering bits and pieces. I'm closer.'_

"Hikaru, do you want any medicine? I think I have some in my bag," Touya said, sounding worried, but being more exited than anything. It was like a Go game. The opening moves had been played and he had a plan for making the opponent resign before yose. But there was only one path, and he had to be careful so the opponent wouldn't notice his carefully placed traps.

"Yeah, I think I'll take you on that offer. Thanks, Akira."

"You…" Waya said slowly. Touya just now noticed that the boy had a slightly ashen look upon him. Shindou had really shaken him up with his words, it seemed. "You guys seem like you're dating or something," Waya laughed, trying to cover up his drop of popularity in Hikaru's books. It dropped again a few notches as Shindou glared at him.

"You got a problem with that?!"

Waya's jaw dropped, Fuku gaped and even Ochi's glasses slid down his nose. The trio stared at Touya and Shindou, before Hikaru's glare penetrated them again and they collected themselves as quickly as they could.

"No, no! No problem. No problem what so ever," Waya reassured hurriedly and the other two nodded promptly from beside him. The trio watched avidly as Touya fished some medicine for Shindou and even kissed his head for reassurance, to which Hikaru smiled tenderly. It was actually a very loving scene, if you didn't happen to be a friend who just found out and hadn't had time to digest the information.

Nothing much was exchanged as Shindou shouldered his knapsack and the Go players moved to the game room. Hikaru was sure to be late from school, but he still remembered to give a proper kiss to Akira before leaving. Touya smiled, but there was a hint of sadness in his expression as Shindou disappeared in the elevator.

_Once you leave your fingers from a Go piece, your move has been made. If you take that stone off the board again, you lose by default._

After his match, when Touya was putting his shoes back on in the lobby, Waya approached him. The green-haired pro had had a slightly difficult opponent today and he had taken longer than needed to carefully destroy him to vent off some of his uneasiness. Now he watched warily as the redhead stood in front of him, shifting his legs every now and then.

"Waya-san," Touya acknowledged coldly, reminder of their previous conversation before the games. The other didn't respond to him immediately, just kept looking at the tiles of the floor. The san-dan waited patiently; he had a feeling this would be something important. And soon enough, Waya raised his eyes to meet Touya's. One could see that he had made the resolve with whatever he had been contemplating about, for his eyes were clear and his gaze unwavering.

"Touya, I need to ask you something."

* * *

sen – thousand

nen – year/years

sennen yatsu – thousand years guy


	5. step: Take away my pain

Disclaimer: I plan on buying the whole manga series in Japanese when I get there, but that doesn't really make me an owner of Hikaru no Go, right? I make no money from this, but I do get the kicks.

* * *

**One Step Closer**

Step five: Take away my pain

_by rebecca85_

* * *

Touya Akira didn't even notice the paper crumbling to a little ball when his hand slowly formed a firm fist as he stared on.

In front of the green-haired Go-player was a simple grey square stone, but it made him tremble with deep excitement. It was the key to his answers; the missing puzzle that would make the picture clear, the first clue he had got from the enigma called Shindou Hikaru. He was standing in front of a grave that all Go players bowed upon with respect.

He was in Sugamo, visiting the Honmyouji temple, and had found the grave of Honinbou Shuusaku.

* * *

Touya hurried back home. Hikaru was coming to pick him up in an hour and he needed to get ready. Waya had arranged a dinner with Touya so that Hikaru's Go-friends that missed the guy very much could meet him properly and spend some time with him. Touya's boyfriend had agreed on the condition that they went together, since Hikaru didn't know any of them. Not anymore, at least.

Touya junior had been resistant, but only for show. He wanted, no, _needed_ to get Hikaru to interact with his old friends and be there to witness it. Shindou Hikaru had been an insei for at least a year so they might know something that Hikaru himself currently didn't. And there was always the possibility that something might trigger Shindou's memory again.

Touya quickly drew himself a bath and had every intention of washing up quickly, but as he slid into the water his traditional side got the best of him and he started to sort out his thoughts.

There were three things he was now sure about Shindou.

Firstly, Honinbou Shuusaku was playing an important role in the matter. When Touya had played against Shindou the first time over three years ago, Hikaru had used outdated fuseki, and still used – before his amnesia – the type of play that could only be described as 'Honinbou style'. Hikaru's first headache had come from that place, that graveyard in Sugamo where Honinbou Shuusaku's grave was. And what Kadowaki said about Shindou made perfect sense now… Well, okay, it still didn't make any sense since Shuusaku had lived less than 200 hundred years ago but Touya felt that he was just a tad bit closer.

Secondly, Sai was involved somehow in all of this. Something had happened with Sai. According to Ogata-san, Sai had disappeared from the internet, again, and after his father had asked something about the mysterious Go-player from Shindou, he had collapsed and then said it was Touya Kouyo's fault, not Shindou's. Akira had no idea what 'fault' was the issue here, but by judging both of their behaviour, it was something serious. And that added to the fact that Ogata-san had heard Touya-sensei and Shindou talking about Sai, prior to his father's retirement… It sounded fishy, to say the least.

And thirdly… Thirdly, some kind of an emotional shock had occurred, big enough to make Shindou's brain block the memories involving Go so that they wouldn't hinder Shindou's recuperation. So, what would have such a massive impact on the bright Go-player that it could possibly obstruct his will to recover? Had Sai something to do with this? And if so, what had happened to the NetGo –star to distraught his rival so?

'_Was Sai really such an important factor in Hikaru's life?'_

Touya was startled by his own thoughts. Was he actually jealous of Shindou's relationship with the mysterious Go-player and his importance and influence on Hikaru's life? While he was doing his best to make Hikaru remember him? _'I'm such a hypocrite, it's sad,'_ Akira thought with a dry smile.

Because by now – throwing calculations and logic aside – he had a gut feeling that all of this involved Sai.

Touya had had a feeling what Sai might really be, after he had pondered so many times over his first and second game with Shindou. But at the time it had seemed so impossible. So unreal. But now, adding Shuusaku and the thousand years and the spaced out look Shindou sometimes had had in his eyes, Touya was quite certain of it: Shindou Hikaru was the reincarnation of Honinbou Shuusaku.

Of course, Shindou hadn't realized it at first. But at some point he must have required his old memories and used them blindly to crush Touya at the Go salon. But it still didn't explain why Shindou didn't rise to the Go-world like a blinding dawn in one night. He took his time and even played horribly at some games. And it didn't exactly explain why Shindou would be sad about it now, or why he would've named his own old personality as 'Sai'. Adding to the fact that Honinbou Shuusaku was born in 1829, left quite a few loopholes in his theory… But maybe Honinbou had been another person in _his_ previous life?

"Aargh! Now I remember why I shouldn't think about Shindou!" Touya grumbled to himself. "It always gives me a headache. Nothing seems right. But I know I'm close! I just need to—"

"Akira-san! Shindou-kun is here to see you!" Akiko shouted gently from the hallway. Akira cursed in a very un-Akira-like manner and scrambled out of the tub. He hurried with his clothes and ran to his room, where he knew the source of his headache would've most probably been guided to.

"Hikaru, I'm sorry! I spaced out and didn't notice the time…!" he explained hastily while searching for his wallet to take along. Hikaru just sat on his bed and smiled a soft smile. Touya stopped his rummaging to take a better look at his boyfriend who was also acting very un-Hikaru-like. Out of characterness – theme of the day.

He stepped to Hikaru. "What's wrong?" But Shindou just continued his soft, slightly blissful smile and reached out a hand. He grabbed Touya's shoulder to get him to bend down towards him a bit more and then trailed his hand gently to his neck, drawing him even closer.

"You're just so adorable," Hikaru murmured and took Touya into a sweet kiss. Akira suddenly felt like it wasn't enough and cupped Hikaru's cheeks to get a better angle and deepened the kiss. He nibbled Hikaru's bottom lip until he opened the path for Akira which he decided to explore intently. Wanting to be closer, he climbed on the bed, his both legs on either side of Hikaru while he sat on Hikaru's lap. The bleached-blond boy answered the move by entwining his arms around Touya and pressing their bodies closer together. It felt so good…

But this was what Touya was trying to destroy. This sweet, loving, caring boyfriend that he had, he was going to break apart and smash to pieces. Only to find the bits that were hidden; missing from this newly formed personality.

Touya felt the sadness grip his heart again.

He must've made some sort of a sound, because Shindou broke their kiss immediately. Touya couldn't look at him yet. Not now when the guilt and sorrow was so evident in his eyes, so he just closed Hikaru into a tight embrace and felt himself being embraced just as tightly. Like this was their last chance to hold each other.

But he had to bring Shindou back. Even if this Hikaru loved him and wanted to be with him, it wasn't the same. Even if Touya loved him as well, it wasn't Hikaru that held both pieces of his heart. It was Shindou.

"Let's go," Hikaru said. Touya just nodded but didn't let go immediately. _'I'm so sorry, Hikaru. Please believe me.'_

* * *

They arrived at the restaurant ten minutes late. Touya was doing his best to calm down Hikaru who was panicking about their tardiness. _'How the roles have changed…'_ Touya mused, amused.

"Shindou! Over here!" Waya yelled through the noodle restaurant so that the pair received an audience for their entrance. Akira felt like slapping himself. Or preferably Waya. But nevertheless, they made their way to the party sitting at a large table. Shindou walked _behind_ Touya, which unnerved the other to no end.

"Good afternoon, everyone," Touya greeted politely, while Hikaru just waved slightly to them. Waya, Ochi and Fukui were there, of course, but there were also two other persons, who must've been Nase and Honda. Waya had said that they were coming. The two arrivals sat down at the table while Waya introduced his party to them, to let Shindou know everyone without feeling like standing out. Touya could feel the huge difference in how Waya was treating him now. Touya almost sounded like a regular person to them, not someone the redhead hated with a passion.

"So, Shindou. What have you been doing lately?" Waya asked to get some conversation going. Hikaru looked surprised first, but after a quick glance at Touya, who hadn't reacted in any way, he directed his answer back to Waya.

"Nothing much. School, mostly. And hanging out with Touya."

"School? You're… School?" Waya repeated incredulously. Shindou wasn't known for being a big on studying, so of course it was throwing Waya's small talk off course.

"Shindou is practising for his High School entrance exams," Touya explained calmly, while browsing through the menu. "He is taking extra lessons and attending cram school to get his marks high enough for Touto High, which is specialized in Japanese literature and history. Because, really, Hikaru has _no_ talent in math."

"Hey! I resent that!" Shindou said indignantly, but then looked slightly guilty. "But I guess you're right…"

Touya smirked. "Of course I am. I tried to tutor you." Hikaru's cheeks flamed with embarrassment, while Honda and Fukui laughed good-naturally. Waya seemed a little shocked, but almost visibly shook himself and joined in the conversation, taking what came in stride. A waitress came by and took their orders, which gave the brass Go-player time to think over his moves.

"So Touya's lending you a hand with your studies? Is he any good?" the redhead asked. And, amazingly enough, he sounded jovial, not condemning or snide. Touya understood that it was solely because he had promised, and succeeded, to talk Hikaru in to this gathering. Maybe Waya was seeing him differently now.

"Yeah, he's the best. He knows all kind of stuff and makes me use my brain. He never tells me anything straight out, always leading me into answers and preferring to teach me, rather than just pointing out the answer. And I've got loads of tips with all kind of schoolwork. I guess that having a schedule like his teaches one to pick up some habits to make things easier," Hikaru smiled. Touya set down his glass of water and cast a calculating look at Hikaru. He hadn't told details about his own schooling yet. But then again, maybe his busyness was just visible to the bare eye. And Hikaru seemed fine enough.

New topic was needed.

"So, how is Isumi-san?" Touya cut in before they could go to the finesse of schoolwork in any more detail.

"I heard he's fine. Still studying in China," Waya said, nodding. "But man, he's been there for two months already! It's about time he came back, right?" The party all agreed wholeheartedly, complaining Isumi's lack of input at their study groups, while Touya and Shindou looked politely out of the loop. Hikaru started massaging his temple.

"You too, Shindou!" Fukui said happily, trying to get him to the conversation. "It's always so dull with only Waya around." (They ignored the redhead's indignant yell.) "And you're the only one that can play speed Go with me and still win!"

"Really? Hikaru is good at speed Go?"

"He sure is. But that's not the only thing he's good at! For example—"

"Yea, yea. You could talk all night about Shindou's superb Go-skills, couldn't you Nase? Well, sorry for being so crappy. I'll be sure to get some other prodigy to fill in for him. But talking about prodigies, have you guys noticed that Sai hasn't been playing NetGo for a while?"

"Now that you mention it," Honda agreed. "He really has been away for a while. Do you have any idea how long it's been?"

"Sai? Who is Sai?" Fukui asked, clueless, but was ignored.

"I didn't notice it at first, but maybe a month, already?" Waya continued, carefully musing over the time. Touya couldn't have wished for a better topic at their table. Sai was the one thing that would guarantee his boyfriend to react on.

"Shindou-kun?! What's wrong?" Nase gasped suddenly in alarm. Touya looked over at his boyfriend only to find his own mind go blank in shock.

Tears were softly rolling down Hikaru's cheeks.

"Hikaru?" Touya asked, worry crawling in his empty stomach, making him feel queasy. He gently reached for Shindou and wiped the tears away, trying to offer some comfort for his love. "What's the matter, Hikaru?" he asked again, softly.

"I- I…" Hikaru tried, searching for right words, but failing, more tears flowing down his cheeks. He looked at Akira, eyes pleading, begging him to make it all right. "I suddenly felt very s-sad. I- I can't stop c-crying." Hikaru, in turn, wiped the tears away, brushing Touya's hand off as well at the same time, but fresh ones kept coming. Like some dam had broken and he couldn't build a new one quickly enough.

"About Isumi's absence?" Nase asked worriedly. "Or about Sai?"

At the mention of the legendary NetGo player's name, Shindou gasped and took his head between his hands, and cried ever harder. Then he grasped his jumper over his heart and soon started hyperventilating.

"I- I'm s-sorry," Hikaru manager to gasp out loud. "I have to go!" Then he stumbled out of his chair, almost knocking it over in his haste, and ran out of the restaurant, with the rest of the party looking after him, extremely anxious of his wellbeing, but not knowing what to do. They only looked at each other, worried.

Akira was numb. How could he have done this? And to Shindou, none the least?

"I'll go after him."

Waya, Nase, Fukui, Honda and Ochi stayed at their seats, watching Touya's hasty departure to go after Shindou, while the waitress came to deliver their orders. She was slightly confused about the food that didn't match the number of participants.

"And I even picked a ramen restaurant, just for him," Waya said, staring at his udon noodles. They all sat in a sober silence for a while, their foods cooling in front of them and the two extras sitting at their designated places that were empty now. "I just hope he's alright."

* * *

"Hikaru! Hikaru, stop!" A horrible foreboding feeling washed over Touya. "Please, just…" he only wanted for Hikaru to _stop_.

'_Please, don't do this again!' _

"SHINDOU!"

The half-blond boy stopped in his tracks, and Touya was finally able to catch him, relief flooding his veins. The Go-pro wasn't that used to running so fast, but this was an exception. He had to get to his boyfriend, and now that they were finally not nearing any dangerous roads, _do_ something.

Truthfully, he had no idea what to do. This was what he had wanted, right? This was what he had been aiming at. Right?

"Hikaru…"

"Touya," the boy started and startled Akira. "Do you know who I am?"

Touya straightened his posture, his breath calming to even again. He looked at his so-called boyfriend, who was standing in the middle of the sidewalk, head down, cheeks damp, ignoring the existence of other people completely, which wasn't that hard to do as the area was deserted. Hikaru was balling his fists and trembling slightly, but Touya wasn't sure of the reason. But of Hikaru's question he was certain of.

"I do, Hikaru. I do," he told the other boy and grabbed Shindou's arm. Hikaru turned to him, eyes glistening with unshed tears that he was obviously holding back with great effort.

"I have no idea," he only said and threw himself in Touya's embrace. Akira immediately responded by hugging him tightly and offering him comfort.

"I don't know why I'm crying, Akira," Hikaru whispered. "And I know they were talking about me, but all I could think of was that they were talking about some other Shindou. I don't know how to play Go. I haven't ever even played it! At least I think I haven't. I don't remember having… But that's the thing, right? I _don't remember_. I have amnesia, what do I know, right? If someone came to me someday and said that I had killed a person, how could I deny it? I don't remember _not_ doing it! Akira, I just don't know… Who am I?! What was I? What does it make me now? And… I can't help but think… that you might like that other Shindou more than me, Akira. That you are hoping for me to go away and return as the old Shindou."

Akira drew a sharp breath, and held Hikaru more tightly as tears prickled his eyes as well. How much more lying was he going to do? How much more was he going to hurt this boy to get his own ambitions answered? He continued to soothe the boy in his arms while thinking up a plausible answer.

* * *

In the end, Touya couldn't answer Hikaru. Faced right upfront and asked the very thing he had been thinking about, while his boyfriend was crying in his arms, froze him up. In the end, he could only say to Hikaru that everything would be okay. That everything would work out fine.

That was all.

He couldn't contradict Hikaru; he couldn't lie to him straight out. He couldn't tell him that it was his fault that Hikaru was in this mess right now. He couldn't possibly tell him that he was actually trying to rouse his memories at the very moment, trying to bring the old Shindou back, because… he really did love Shindou more than Hikaru. Touya's life was Go. His love was Shindou. To be able to have both, he needed Hikaru to remember his old self, to return to the way he was before. When they were both aiming for Kami no Itte.

Now that he had chosen this way, he had to go through with it. There was no returning back. He had known it the moment he had invited Hikaru to the Go association.

That's why he was now here.

"Fujisaki."

"Touya…-san…? Why are you here? Ah! I told you not to--!"

"I know. But I have to refuse that request."

"What?"

"Hikaru sought me out and we have been going out for a while now."

"You—! …'Hikaru'?"

"We have started going out, Fujisaki-san. But that is not what I'm here for. I thought it would be appropriate to tell you that I am doing everything I can to get Hikaru's – no, Shindou's memories back. He is lost, and I need to help him. No matter what. I would appreciate it if you told this to Mr. and Mrs. Shindou as well. That is all."

"Ah! Touya, wait! I just… I know this sounds weird after all I said, but… I know how you feel. Hikaru has been acting a bit strangely around here as well, always studying and he doesn't know anyone from our Go-club anymore. Hikaru doesn't remember all the fun times we had in the club, and… Well…"

"Fujisaki-san…?"

"I'm not saying this on behalf of the Shindous, because they don't see the changes you and I see everyday in Hikaru, and they only think about the wellbeing of their son, but… good luck. I wish the old Hikaru will be back soon. Bye then."

Touya stayed behind, watching Hikaru's childhood friend walk out of the school compound with a little bounce in her step. It seemed that Touya wasn't alone in his mission. And when he thought back to Waya's behaviour, he realized that he really wasn't alone. They all wanted their old Shindou Hikaru to come back and relieve them of the prospect of stoic and traditional Go. Shindou would bring some spice into their lives and make the game interesting with his unconventional style of doing things. Which applied to his playing too, among other things.

But there was one shred of doubt still left in Touya's heart that made his chest painful.

"_It's been awhile since I saw him this happy."_

It was something that Fujisaki-san had warned him about long ago. Back when she had thought that Hikaru and Akira should stay away from each others.

"_We like the Hikaru he is now and he's finally smiling."_

The warning still rang in his ears, loud and clear.

"_Do you know that if Hikaru remembers again, he might forget this time after the accident?"_

* * *

Honinbou Shuusaku was born as Kuwabara Torajirou on June 6, 1829, and died August 10, 1862, at the age of 33.

fuseki – strategic arrangement of go stones.

Heian jidai (period) – from 794 to 1185.

Kami no Itte – I'm using the Japanese version, because I like it better. And since this can be translated as the Hand of God or Divine Move or Heavenly Play or whatever, I'm sticking to the original. Basically it means a way of playing that a god would do.

Touto – Tokyo is also called Edo or Touto, so it's really Tokyo High… err, except that it's not. But that's how I came up with it. No intentions of it being real!


	6. step: The path to victory is not paved

16.3.2008

Disclaimer: I disclaim! zzzZAP! /disclaimed/

This is basically the same thing that happened in the anime but with slight differences, as this story is AR (=alternative retelling). And we're nearing the end of the line, people. Be patient, only one chapter to go after this.

* * *

**One Step Closer**

Step six: The path to victory is not paved

_by rebecca85_

* * *

Narita International Airport was bustling with people. The plane had landed roughly about half an hour ago, and the busy buzz of passengers filled the terminal. Over the steady murmur of voices came the sound of a young lady urging passengers to board their planes at their designated gates. Time to time there was a delighted shout from a child, finding something new and exiting about the airport, as businessmen in their suits rushed by.

Isumi Shinichirou shouldered his bag more securely and looked around in search for the airport terminals. As he finally spotted the placard for directions, he managed to head for the Narita Airport Station. Feeling an excitement slightly bubbling in the pit of his stomach, for a moment he relished in the knowledge that he understood everyone and could express himself with ease now that he was back in Japan, back in his own country, back home. But he quickly pushed those mushy emotions aside and walked briskly towards the train station.

A newspaper stand caught his eye. For a second, he thought that they wouldn't be selling it anyway but still decided to take a look. To his surprise, he actually found a bunch of the latest edition of 'Go Weekly.' Eagerly he took one and paid for his copy. But he had a train to catch, so he just rolled it to go and went to start his two hour trip to finally get back to Tokyo.

As he was sitting on the train, the scenery didn't get much of his attention. Isumi took out the Go Weekly and before immersing to it in depth, he scanned the paper over, finding an article about the upcoming pro-exams where Kadowaki, the holder of three student titles, would participate. It would be a tough competition again. Then he found the games he was most interested in. _'Good, Ochi won his game against Mashiba. And Waya… oh, he didn't have a game. Shindou… loss by default due to absence? What does this mean?'_

* * *

"Ittekimasu!" shouted a joyful voice and a door slammed shut before any other sounds were heard from inside the house. Touya stayed at his place, leaning against the brick wall surrounding the Shindou household. When the half-blond boy appeared through the gate, they started walking along the road. They had no particular route in mind, but Touya knew where they would end up.

Their stroll was a quiet one. Hikaru was still slightly embarrassed of his outburst the other day, and Touya didn't know how to put his thoughts into words. He decided to give it a shot anyway.

"Hikaru…"

"Yes?"

"I've been thinking…" he started vaguely.

"Yeah, me too," came an unexpected reply. Touya didn't know why but his heart fluttered in excitement and anticipation. He focused on Hikaru, who had his hands behind his head and was watching the field they were passing where five kids were playing baseball.

"Akira… How did we meet?" Hikaru suddenly said softly. Touya was completely thrown off guard. That wasn't exactly how he had pegged the conversation to start with.

"Umm… Well, I was twelve at the time, playing at my father's Go salon and…"

"Yeah," Shindou interrupted and turned to look at Touya. "That's it again. Go." He was momentarily speechless at this answer. Hikaru sounded so… disappointed, it confused him. It was obvious Hikaru had desired a different answer, but he didn't have one to give.

Shindou was once again looking the surrounding rather than his boyfriend. Touya wondered how much he knew.

"Let's sit." Touya nodded his consent and they sat at the bench on the park, not far from the Shindou residence.

"Hikaru…" he started again.

"Touya," he turned to look at him in the eye. There was no joviality in his expression. "I want to remember."

"Eh?" was the only intelligent response he could muster.

"There is too much that I'm missing. I thought that just being with you would solve everything. My heart felt content," Hikaru explained, pressing the palm of his hand to his chest. "But…"

"But not anymore?" Touya inquired. The half-blond nodded his head, and Touya felt the bottom of his stomach disappear, and for a minute he forgot his aim.

"You… You don't lo— like me anymore?" he managed to croak out; knowing that he sounded pathetic but unable to withheld the question or have his usual control over his voice. Hikaru shook his head sadly.

"No, no. It's actually just the opposite. I want to know _more_. Where we met, what happened, how our feelings developed, why is Go so important to us, where have we gone together… Everything!" he breathed. "And I know that you can't just tell me all of this. Last time I saw the doctor, he said that it would do no good to just relay them to me. It would only give me an interesting story but nothing that would seem like my own, I know. Just like the other day. So I never even planned on asking you what happened."

Well, they certainly were right. Touya could not possibly tell Hikaru all of what had happened, since he himself didn't know everything. How could he explain about Sai for example? Or what had really taken place between them after their first meeting? And about their 'dating'… he could come up with lies, but he was no novelist.

"I thought it would all come to me, being like this with you," Hikaru continued. "I just thought… That my feelings would somehow bring out the memories that I lost." He rubbed his neck, a little embarrassed, perhaps. "Sounds stupid, I know."

Touya shook his head. "No, it sounds very reasonable to me. If you were being surrounded by the normal things that you still remember, it would lead you to your lost memories, eventually. Being in a safe environment would give your brain the signal to let go, I know. Your mother told me." '_Not in so many words, but…' _There was silence. Touya looked at his hands in deep thought.

"I…" he started, but had to struggle with his conscience for a moment. _I agreed on this. I decided this on my own. Now that he's willingly following me, I have to get the old Shindou back! _He nodded to himself, tightening his resolve.

"I have an idea," he said and raised his gaze to Hikaru's olive green eyes. He was met with such an unnatural calculating look and knowing wise that Touya thought that he had imagined it all when he was looking, yet again, to the curious eyes of his love. Feeling that his decision was making him hallucinate with guilt, he ignored what he thought he had seen.

"I think that you have been regaining memories little by little, by seeing and doing the things you used to do."

"What do you mean? I haven't regained any memories."

"Yes, you have," Touya insisted. "You remembered that I have been playing since I was three. I never told you that." Surprised amaze dawned to Hikaru's face. "And you remembered what Ooteai games are. That is not something you would normally know."

"And you didn't tell me what they were, huh?" Hikaru nodded slowly as he caught on. "So, what do you have planned?"

Akira hesitated for a fraction of a second, then remembered that Hikaru himself had asked him this, wanted to know who he was, _is_. There was no need to feel guilty, dammit!

"All of your memories have come from things related to Go. Most of them you regained at the Go Association, even."

"Yeah, but I've already done plenty of things related to… Go." There was still the slight hint of disgust in his voice. "I met those Go-freaks – no offence –, I went to the Association, and I even met your dad! He's the leading star of the Go-world or something, right?" he threw his hands in the air in frustration.

"See?" Touya asked calmly. "I never told you that of my father. This is knowledge, yet again, regained by _you_, on your own, by going straight into the core of the things forgotten," he said contently. Hikaru looked him with round eyes.

"I… think you're right! I didn't know that, but I knew it anyway! How cool is that?!" Touya smiled at his enthusiasm. "So, what do you have in mind? What 'core of the problem' should I face next?"

"I think that if you really want your memories back, you need to play a game."

"A game?" Hikaru sounded perplexed.

"Yes. A game," Touya confirmed. He looked straight into Hikaru's eyes. "Would you like to play a game of Go with me, Shindou?"

* * *

"Isumi-san!" Waya greeted, smiling happily to his old friend who had just emerged from the subway station. He was glad to see him again after such a long time and told the man immediately how surprised he was when he had received the phone call. He was flabbergasted when Isumi ruffled his hair and called him _Lei Ping_. Isumi had to immediately explain to the outraged boy why he was treading him like a kid.

The exchanged news about what had happened with their lives, but mostly Isumi just relayed a lot of his experiences in China to Waya, like how he had gotten to know Lei Ping, how he had lost Yang Hai's MD player and how he had met lots of incredible Go-players in there.

"So why the sudden call, Isumi-san?" Waya asked as they strolled down the street.

"Sorry if I woke you up last night. The plane came a bit late and I was home even later, so I hope you were still awake," Isumi apologised.

Waya waved his words aside. "No, no, not at all. Now that I'm living by myself, it isn't really a bother even if you _had_ woken me up. But you didn't. I was going through a game I saw in the Go Weekly. There was this weird move, you see, that I couldn't figure out. It wasn't a bad one, just… Well, you know Shindou's style of play, right? It was pretty much like that, but not him," the redhead babbled on enthusiastically.

"So why don't you ask Shindou then? I'm sure he can give you insight," the older Go player answered lightly, but kept his eyes on Waya. This was, after all, why he had called him out. The shorter player stopped on his tracks and his brow furrowed. Isumi couldn't help but notice the worry written in those lines.

"I haven't seen him much lately," he told a bit subduedly to his friend and didn't meet his eyes.

"I noticed that Shindou had a forfeited the last Ooteai game due to absence," Isumi noted quietly.

"It's not the only one, Isumi-san," Waya responded gravely and this time did look at him. "Shindou haven't been playing since May."

Isumi was shocked. "What?! Why? What happened?"

Waya pushed his hands to his pockets and started walking again. "I'm not sure on the details, but he got into a car accident." The dark-haired man felt his blood run cold.

"Into a car accident? Is he alright?" he asked frantically, but Waya just continued his lazy stroll. Isumi took him by his shoulders to make his stop and looked him into his eyes to find his answer.

"It was pretty bad, he was in a coma for three weeks," the boy told to the other man, whose worry increased tenfold. "But he was released from the hospital a few weeks ago," Waya said calmly. "We've met a couple of times."

"So he's all right now?" Isumi hurried to confirm.

"Yeah, I guess so," the Go-pro sighed. His companion was baffled at his behaviour but felt like Waya was now in a mood where he would have to pull information from him with Twenty Questions. Isumi frowned with a determinate look upon him.

"I would like to meet Shindou, Waya. Do you know where he is?"

Waya glanced at his set face and seemed to shrug to himself. He sighed again.

"He's been stuck to Touya like a leech, lately, so he'll probably be somewhere near the Go Association about now. Touya has a game today," he revealed. Isumi nodded.

"Let's go then," he said and took a new direction, towards the Association's building. Waya spluttered a bit after him, befuddled about his abrupt decision, no doubt, but soon followed.

* * *

Touya Akira emerged from the play room with reporters around him like particularly persistent flies. And no amount of whisking would get them away. He gave his normal polite answers regarding his games, giving some insight to the play and told them he had a prior engagement to attend to, so if they would please excuse him, he really needed to get going now. As always his politeness was like a bucket of cold water to the enthusiasm of the reporters, and they had no other option than to bow to him with smiles and reassure him that they got what they needed. Akira's opponent didn't fare quite as well.

Touya sighed with relief when he reached the hallway but quickly gathered himself and took the couple flights of stairs to get to the guest room. There he found Hikaru, standing by the window and watching the sunset, seemly deep in thought. The green-haired pro was a little disappointed when he noticed that the gobans were neatly put away and the television screen was decidedly black.

"Hikaru…" Touya said softly as he came up behind his current boyfriend, and softly embraced him from behind. The dual-coloured boy hummed in recognition but only hugged Touya's hands on his stomach and leaned more into the touch.

"Thanks," he said softly.

"For what?" Touya asked just as softly. There was a quiet moment wrapped around them like a soothing blanket and neither wanted to dispel that illusion with too many decibels.

"You always make me feel safe, wherever I am," Hikaru whispered and tilted his head, leaning to rest it on Touya's shoulder. The young Go-pro kissed the neck that was exposed and they stood there quietly for a while, just admiring the fiery red shades of colour the setting sun cast upon the sky. Then the ex-pro glanced at his boyfriend.

"Shall we?"

Touya swallowed then nodded calmly but surely. They broke up and Hikaru gathered his knapsack. Then he looked at Akira, expectantly and resolutely.

"The game room is empty now, we can play there. There's more air and peace than any other location, I think," Touya answered. His former rival nodded his consent and they made their way to the fifth floor where the Ooteai games were held, among other games. A quiet dread had fallen upon them and they wordlessly changed into indoor-slippers and padded to the game-room.

Hikaru stayed near the entrance and carefully took in his surroundings as Akira went to the closet and took out a goban and the goishi. He arranged them almost in the middle of the room to give Hikaru as much breathing space as he could. Then he set two cushions on each side and waited for the other boy.

Hikaru took a deep breath, left his backpack near the entrance and took off his slippers as he stepped on the tatami mats. Touya moved by his side and laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Take your time," he reassured him. Hikaru nodded mutely. "Are you okay?" the Go-pro asked softly. Hikaru shook his head a little.

"My headache is getting stronger. You were right; I think this is the only way." His voice seemed a bit thick, but Touya decidedly ignored it.

"I'm going to get you something to drink. I have some painkillers with me; maybe you should take one before we play, okay?" Hikaru nodded, but his eyes were strained on the goban sitting in the middle of the tatami covered floor. Touya gave him a last encouraging squeeze and exited the room.

As he went to get something to drink for them both, he kept his mind carefully blank. He knew his mind would come up with the most guilt-ridden thoughts if he just let it. So, he focused with all his might to the task at hand and maybe a little to the upcoming play, thinking through his opening move and how he should play. He soon came to the conclusion that the opening move was pretty much everything he _could_ think right now, if he was black, that is. He had no idea how Hikaru would play now that he had lost his memories of Go.

Touya was in such deep thought that he didn't notice the extra shoes by the outer entrance and only realised that they weren't alone anymore when he heard voices drifting from the game-room. First he thought that Shindou was talking to himself like he sometimes had done in the past, but this voice was deeper than his and much more firm. As he got to the room he didn't immediately recognise the tall man who was facing Hikaru, but he noticed that Waya-san was there as well.

The dual-colour-haired boy seemed to be lost and troubled, but then he spotted Akira and brushed by the tall man to get to him, face lighting up. When Hikaru reached his boyfriend, he instinctively laid a hand on the small of Touya's back to gain some safety. And then Touya realised who the man was, now that he was facing him.

"Touya," Isumi acknowledged him, looking only slightly surprised by Shindou's behaviour but not of Touya's presence.

"Isumi-san," Touya nodded. Then he turned to his boyfriend. "Hikaru? Is everything alright?" He didn't answer immediately, only looked troubled and kept glancing at Isumi. Isumi on the other hand, had a determined look upon him and he looked at Touya.

"I'm sorry to intrude upon you like this, but I need to play against Shindou," he stated firmly. "There was an occurrence at the pro exam which left me unsatisfied with my play. This happened during my match with Shindou, he knows what I'm talking about." Hikaru looked pained and stared pleadingly to Touya. He took his hand and gave him a reassuring squeeze.

"It's okay, Hikaru," he said softly. "You should play with him. I can wait," he said with a smile. He was actually a little relieved that he didn't have to do this, at least not alone, and now he could observe Hikaru more than he would be able to as his opponent. He unclasped their hands and left his former rival no choice but to slowly tread to one of the pillows and to sit down. He fidgeted every once in a while and rubbed his temple. Isumi followed suit and sat quickly opposite of him.

As Hikaru uncertainly mimicked Isumi's movements as they did nigiri, Touya held Waya back a bit. He only needed to slightly raise his eyebrows to which the redhead immediately shook his head a little. The players were engrossed with the preparations, so this exchange was left unnoticed.

'_So Isumi-san doesn't know about the amnesia,'_ Touya mused. It might be a good idea. He would play normally, so they would most probably get some results. His excitement and anxiousness was turning his stomach upside down. It was a good thing he didn't eat during his matches, or he would be emptying his stomach in the bathroom right about now.

He went to ask Hikaru if he wanted to have his medicine before the match, but the boy declined. Taking a deep breath, Hikaru bowed to Isumi, who in suit responded.

"Onegai shimasu."

* * *

- Ittekimasu - (lit.) "I'll go and come back", promising a safe return, but nowadays is just part of the culture.

-Lei Ping – His name is probably written as Le Ping really, but how Isumi says it, it sounds to my ears as Lei Ping. He's the small Waya-version from China with the outer bellybutton. /laugh/

-The Go Association – I'm tempted, every time, to write Go Institute, but since I started using Association, I want to avoid confusion and thus I must use it again and again.

-Subduedly – I think I'm thinking up words again. At least Word won't accept that. /sweatdrop/

-goban – Go board

-goishi – Go stones

-Tatami mat – Japanese straw floor covering, sized 90 cm by 180 cm. (About 3 feet by 5 feet 11 inches.)

-Onegai shimasu – This is what they say in the beginning of the game and as it's actually a phrase common to Japanese customs. I'm not translating it. It's basically asking a good game from the opponent.


	7. step: That which you would fight for

15.7.2010

Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru no Go and this story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination, belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi, or are used fictiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locals or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. I also hold no claim over One Step Closer which is a song by Linkin Park. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended of either of them.

**

* * *

**

**One Step Closer**

Step seven: That which you would fight for

_by rebecca85_

**

* * *

**

Touya sat next to Waya, politely out of the range of the two players. Tiny part of him wanted to be closer to Hikaru, offering support and comfort, but the pro-player, the Touya Akira know in the Go word, the son of Touya Meijin, wanted to respect the spirit of the game. He also wanted a good vantage point of their actions.

Hikaru clumsily took out his first black stone, and wavered. Touya didn't know if he had seen enough games at some point to even venture a guess how to proceed, or if it was the pure instinct guiding the boy, but with slight hesitation, Hikaru placed the stone on the lower hoshi. Isumi was so intent on the game and the opening move, that he never noticed how his opponent was holding his stones.

The game progressed slowly. Hikaru took his time deciding where to place his moves, often glancing at Touya for some emotional support. Akira graced him an encouraging and understanding smile every time, doing his best with hiding the anxiousness building inside him. Isumi continued oblivious to his surroundings: this game was very important for him.

Then Hikaru closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose, troubled wrinkles creasing his forehead. Touya took the can of cola he had bought previously for his boyfriend, and handed it with a painkiller to Hikaru. The boy took them with great gratitude, gulping down the whole can in one go. He looked a bit more focused, but his complexion stayed pale and his skin had gained a faint sheen of sweat which made him look sickly.

Waya looked worriedly at Touya, but the Go-pro just shook his head in warning. This wasn't the time to intervene. He was equally worried about Shindou's condition, but they really needed him to play a game of Go!

Unfortunately, Isumi seemed to have caught on something, as he for the first time took a long look at Hikaru. Touya knew the game seemed a bit off, but Hikaru wasn't doing half bad. He couldn't tell if it was just Shindou's subconscious telling him where to play or if he was randomly placing his stones at lucky spots, but Touya dearly hoped it was the former.

"Shindou-kun? Are you alright?" Isumi asked quietly. Hikaru was startled by the sudden interruption of silence, and looked up quickly. He noticed with a nervous glance that everyone was watching him intently.

"Yeah. Just a headache," he said dismissively, and gave a little rub to his temple to emphasize his point. He looked uncomfortable being under the scrutiny and swiftly moved the attention back to the game. Isumi didn't look very convinced, but neither did he think to press the subject, so he decided to humour Hikaru and shift his focus back to the game.

Touya's stomach had dropped during the exchange. He felt excited, afraid, anxious and nervous, to name a few. Hikaru had a headache. It might be just a matter of time before he would have his Shindou back.

As more stones were added to the game, it naturally grew more complex. Hikaru was having real trouble now. He kept tugging his hair as if the small pain would somehow help the situation, and looked more and more lost.

But suddenly something in the air shifted.

Hikaru's hand went into the goke, grabbing a stone while his eyes scanned the board intently. The look on his face was suddenly concentrated and determined. And when he finally placed the piece on the wooden surface, Akira would've gasped in shock, jubilation and surprise, had not for three things happening right after it:

Waya half rose up from his seiza to get a better view of the board, Isumi dropping his own stone and looking at Hikaru in shock, and Hikaru himself making a silent gasp of realization.

'_Pa__tchi.'_

Hikaru had taken the piece between his fingers and slammed in on the cross-sections like a true professional. Only now that he had done it correctly did Isumi seem to notice how clumsily he had held the stones before. Waya on the other hand was surprised at the move he had made, which was very peculiar, very unconventional, and very Shindou-like. And what _should _have been very impossible.

The moment of incredulity passed and Isumi slowly started regarding the game that had changed, planning for another way to victory. Waya fidgeted slightly, but Akira placed a stilling hand on his shoulder that ceased the motion immediately, never taking his eyes from his boyfriend.

There seemed to be something wrong with Hikaru. His face had slowly gone completely expressionless and his eyes lost their focus, until he seemed to be staring the board with unseeing eyes. It was almost like he was in a trance. Then his eyes gained their focus again and Hikaru's brow furrowed. He blinked a couple of times at the board then looked around himself. Touya noticed that he wasn't looking at any of them in the room, but he couldn't be sure if it was intentional or somehow connected with recovering memories. Touya tapped his knee with his forefinger in agitation, before forcing himself to stop least Waya noticed his nervousness.

Finally Isumi had decided on his move and carefully placed a stone on the board. Then all attention focused as one on Hikaru.

"Hikaru?" Touya asked quietly and touched his boyfriend's arm tentatively. "Are you alright?"

But Hikaru wouldn't even look at him, only staring at the board with his eyebrows drawn together in concentration. "Yea, I'm fine," he just answered distractedly. Touya couldn't tell if he was really okay or just saying so, like he had told to Isumi earlier. He did seem quite all right; at least he wasn't rubbing his temples anymore. But was it the drugs kicking in, the reminiscence reverting back behind lock and key, or something else, he didn't know.

Touya's hand curled into a tight fist as he sat back down with a respectful distance between them. He glanced at the board and assessed the situation quickly; the game wasn't one of the best ones, but it did have a few complicated fights going on here and there. He couldn't even fathom how Isumi could be satisfied with a game like this, but he had faith that the man wouldn't quit in the middle of it.

Then Hikaru took a black piece between his thumb and forefinger, flipped it with the help of his middle finger to get it in a proper hold and placed the stone on the board with a firm click. This move told Touya to look up at the boy playing such a fluid hand, and it was good that he did.

At that moment it looked as if Hikaru was seeing nothing again and a faint glow surrounded him for a while. Then the boy blinked and gasped a breath. Hikaru swiftly turned left to look behind him. He looked left and right, around the room, even above. "Sai?" Hikaru asked. Touya's eyes widened.

"Sai? Where are you? Com' on, don't play games, where—" Hikaru had already stood up on his feet, ready to search for his missing friend when he suddenly seemed to realize something and quieted down. Then he turned to look at the other occupants in the room. His eyes stopped on Touya and he simply said, "Where is he?"

Akira thought for only a moment before deciding to go with honesty. "I don't know." He had no idea why Hikaru was being so … _open_ about Sai. Maybe if he played it cool, he would get to know more.

"But he was just here!" Hikaru insisted. "He's _always_ here! He's never left me. We've been together for ages. He wouldn't just _leave_ me… Right?" he asked, almost desperately.

"I… I really don't know, Hikaru. I don't know Sai that well," Touya said desperately, trying to be honest without being aggressive, like he usually got with Shindou.

Then Hikaru happened to glance down and saw the game in progress. He frowned. "That's a terrible game. Who played that? Hopefully not you, Waya," he said disapprovingly. The boy was surprised with being suddenly addressed to and couldn't think of an answer besides stuttering a, "N-No."

"But that's your game, Shindou," Isumi pointed out gently. Hikaru looked at him, frowned and sat down again.

"No, no. I'm not as good as Sai, but it's been a long time since I've played as poorly as this game. This isn't right. I'll show how it's done." Then he started clearing the stones away, promptly separating his black ones from the whites and placing them back to his Go-stone container. With some delay, Isumi hurried to scoop the white ones away. When the board was clear, Hikaru took a piece and with a professional air about him was placing it almost regally on its place when – he stopped.

The moment was frozen, and Touya could almost feel them holding their breath, waiting for anything to happen.

"I can't," Hikaru suddenly choked out. He had almost a frightened look upon him, and he just stared at his unmoving hand, grabbing the front of his shirt with the other. Then he looked wildly around.

"He's not here," he said with a panicky tinge in his voice. Then he looked at Touya, and a tear rolled down his cheek. "I searched for him. I really tried to find him. But he's not here. I couldn't find him. I couldn't find him _anywhere_. Not here, not at Torajiro's grave, no, no, nowhere. He… left me," Hikaru whispered with a broken soul. Then his fingers curled around the small stone and his hand retreated back over the Go-container where he softly inserted the piece.

Touya was frantically trying to come up with something. Dread was seeping into him: this was exactly how Hikaru had been when he had abandoned Go. If he got stuck in this state, he would probably be trapped within these sad, painful memories. Touya needed to do something. And fast. _Okay_, Sai couldn't play and wasn't watching over Hikaru anymore (or so it seemed), but was there any reason for Hikaru not to play?

"You're not alone, Hikaru. We're still here. You can play Go with us," Akira said reasonably.

"No, I **can't**," Hikaru said forcefully, almost angrily biting out the word. "If I play, Sai will never come back. I have to wait for him. I have to let him play all the games, so that he won't go away," he explained stubbornly, almost to himself. And suddenly it was all so clear for Touya.

"But Sai can't play all the games, Hikaru," he said softly. Immediately he got the boy's attention. "He isn't such a person that would take away all your games to be able to play himself, right? He would want you to play and improve and someday, play with him, against him, as equals."

Hikaru looked at him intently and thought about it. Then he turned back to the board to look for answers. Isumi looked very lost with all of this, but felt like he needed to say something. "I would like to play our game, Shindou. It bothered me very much, and I need to see the real ending for myself."

This seemed to bring Hikaru back from his broodings and snap his attention back to Isumi. He looked a little disturbed and slightly surprised, like he wasn't expecting anyone to be sitting there.

"For me, Shindou-kun, please. This once."

Time seemed to drag on as they waited Hikaru's response. Finally, he bowed his head in defeat and whispered sadly, "Onegai shimasu."

With almost a reluctant air about him Hikaru took a stone to his trembling fingers and placed it softly on the board. Isumi looked a little apprehensively at Hikaru's behaviour, but placed a white stone. Their averse and hesitant moves weighted the game heavily, their placements careful and timid. But then Isumi seemed to come to the decision that this wouldn't be a game wasted on dancing around each other, and he started to use more aggressive hands. Hikaru's attitude towards the game went under a drastic change a dozen moves later when he was near losing a large group of stones. It seemed that finally his competitive nature surfaced, and the look in his eyes changed.

Akira closed his eyes and took a deep breath to collect his emotions before he would do some unsavoury display of feelings, like _cry_. But he was immensely relieved and glad to see that hard glint back in Hikaru's eyes. His Shindou was still in there somewhere, and _damn_ he had missed him.

Waya seemed to have noticed the change in attitude as well, seeing as he was now devoting all his attention to the game unfolding over the board. The redhead was now completely ignoring the players in favour of following their moves.

Touya kept his eyes on Hikaru, though. He knew that this game was important, but he also knew that his plan was now unravelling before his eyes, rapidly. He had the distinct feeling that 'Hikaru' was fading. He tried to quench the slight twinge of guilt.

But as he was so intent on watching it all come undone, it was that Akira could see, could almost _feel_, _taste_ in the air, as the change occurred, and this weird mixture of Hikaru and Shindou merged, fought, coped, tried to fit in to the same space, before looking back over his/their right shoulder. (_And that was the moment_, Touya later thought.) It seemed like he didn't find what he was searching for, as he slowly turned back to the game, looking incredulous and sad, but hopeful, and yet, somehow, so incredibly _guilty_. He stared at his hand for a while, until the tears started to flow unchecked.

Touya was baffled by all this and was frozen to the spot. He had no idea what to do. Isumi happened to glance up and was startled to notice Hikaru's state. But they all stayed quiet and still.

"It's okay…?" Hikaru said with a small voice, almost pleading. "I can play…?" More tears rushed forth and he quickly hid his face behind his arm. "I can play…"

That was said with such relief, wonder and happiness, that Touya was sure he wasn't the only one who felt it. Waya was trying very hard not to cry tears of empathy, and Isumi was smiling in a disturbingly motherly way. Akira closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath and swallowed. Then he moved slightly closer to Hikaru and laid his hand gently on the boy's upper-arm.

"Hikaru? Are you all right?" he asked softly. The boy with bleached bangs seemed to wake up from a trance of sorts or just only realized that he wasn't alone.

"_Touya_? What are you doing here?" he asked puzzled, making the other stop in his tracks. Then Hikaru looked around. "Wait. What am _I_ doing here? Isn't this the Japanese Go Association? And Isumi? When did you come back from China?"

Touya felt like he had been slapped. His hand felt like he was electrified and he flinched from the contact. It took every ounce of willpower Touya had to stop himself from hyperventilating and staying exactly where he was. He knew this had been a possibility. It didn't come as a surprise. He had mentally prepared himself for this.

He had prepared himself, yes. But he wasn't sure if he was emotionally ready.

Touya closed his eyes and took another deep breath. It would probably take a while to explain this all to his archrival.

**

* * *

**

So. In the end Shindou got his memory back and returned to the world of Go with little to no fanfare. He was welcomed with open arms and Shindou was happy to be back. He had lost any memories accumulated during the amnesia. All in all, quite the anticlimactic ending, wouldn't you think? But it wasn't all for naught.

Touya Akira was happy to have his rival back. His plan had worked almost better than he could've hoped for, and for that he was grateful. He had also gained mountains of little bits and pieces for his little puzzle called Shindou Hikaru. But there was this gnawing feeling eating away at his heart. At first he couldn't place it. It felt strange. He should've been on the top of his world; after all, everything was back just the way they were supposed to be. …right?

When Touya saw his rival properly the next time, he realized that he missed Shindou's touch. When they sat in front of a Goban to have a game, it suddenly came to him that Shindou would never look at him as tenderly as he had, being just Hikaru; would never hold his hand after their game ended, would never kiss him softly to distract him. It dawned to Touya that all they did was play Go. They almost never veered off that particular topic, and never attempted to do anything outside of the game their world revolved around. Touya understood that while he had desperately wanted to have his rival back, he now craved for more. He had had a taste of Shindou Hikaru, and he was sure he would starve without getting another bite.

After finally realizing this, he wasn't sure how to act on it.

His problem was now Shindou himself. Their rivalry feelings that the half-blond had mixed with like, desire, passion, _love_… were now recognized for what they were. Unfortunately, what Touya felt for Shindou was now _so much _more.

He needed to act on these emotions. Touya had a slight advantage in wooing Shindou as he had a clear recollection of their time spent together while they had done everything _but_ Go. He knew things, things that would help him to get closer to the boy that now conquered every inch of his very being; his Go, his mind, his heart.

But that would be a long road to travel, and not a particularly easy one. You see, Touya realized that he really had made progress to being a _friend_ for Shindou by leaps and bounds, but as for being something else, something significantly more, he was only a one step closer.

* * *

End of _One Step Closer_

* * *

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed reading this, and I might meet you again later. –rebecca

A/N: The experiment I had with this fic was to make each of the characters appear … undesirable to readers at some point in this fic. I think I need to work on that a bit more, but I think I'm on the right path.


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